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Today, I become Labour leader. Big f**king deal

AT lunchtime today, I will be made the leader of the Labour Party. Whoop-di-f**king-woo. Think I give a shit about that?

Labour leader. As if that’s something to be proud of. As if it’s not a badge of shame to wear for the next 72 hours before I become prime minister.

Maybe in 2010 it would have meant something to be Labour leader, but you gave it to Ed Miliband. Great f**king idea that was. Or in 2015, when the party chose Jeremy Corbyn instead. Only cost us two elections and Brexit, that one. Brilliant move.

Honestly, at that point I was done. Better buggering off to Manchester than hanging around with Jezza and his Marxism Today marrow-humpers. I wasn’t initially going to become mayor but 20 failed job interviews convinced me I wasn’t qualified for anything else.

Now, improbably, one more f**k-up of a Labour leader later, I’m the party’s new darling. Elected leader unopposed. About bloody time, but parliamentary procedure means I’m leader today but don’t get the big job until Monday.

So how does it feel to lead the Labour party after all these years? A ballache, mate. An appointment made for administrative reasons. A shitload of pointless paperwork.

I’m giving a speech later like it’s a milestone, but it’s not the big speech, is it? That’s Monday on Downing Street. Might even wear a tie for that one. This one is, like the job I’m getting today, unnecessary busywork.

So when you see headlines saying ‘Burnham made Labour leader’ and think ‘so what?’ I’m right there with you. Still, means it’s not on me when England lose tomorrow.

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Fit teachers to spend six weeks not being wanked about

ATTRACTIVE teachers will get a break from being wanked about by teenagers during the long summer holidays.

The end of term means that hot, mostly female, teachers will no longer be the stars of implausible masturbatory fantasies in which desirable professional women have sex with teenage bellends in PE cupboards. 

Geography teacher Ellie Shaw said: “I’m pretty sure ‘out of sight, out of mind’ will stop them thinking about me. Judging by their mock exams the dense bastards are incapable of remembering anything, even my tits.

“Am I being presumptuous in thinking my pupils fancy me? I don’t think so. Not because I am objectively quite hot, but because teenage boys are basically disgusting buckets of bubbling hormones who’d have sex with a fridge if it had long hair.

“I suppose you could take the wanking as a compliment, but most compliments don’t force you to scroll through years of f**king Facebook photos in case there’s one of you in a swimsuit or a slightly tight top.”

Pupil Tom Booker said: “Miss Shaw is well fit. It’s hard to say what I like about her most – her face, her amazing figure, those tight skirts she wears. But I think what sets her apart from most women is that she’s three-dimensional. 

“It wouldn’t surprise me if I’m still masturbating over her in my 30s or 40s, long after leaving school. I suppose you never forget a teacher who inspired your love of wanking.”

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