Tories strangely less popular when media not fellating them 24/7

BORIS Johnson and Rishi Sunak’s plunging popularity could be the result of the media not endlessly sucking their dicks, experts have agreed.

Political and media analysts were surprised to find both politicians coming at the bottom of a poll of party members, below established bastards, suit-haunting nonentities and certified halfwits like Liz Truss.

Nathan Muir of YouGov said: “The BBC’s non-stop cheerleading for Sunak, portraying him on one occasion as Superman, has waned. But I fail to see how that could quell the public’s adoration.

“Also the press have criticised his budget and published largely accurate details of his out-of-touch, insanely privileged billionaire lifestyle. That still doesn’t explain the poll. They must have totted up the numbers wrong.”

Media analyst Emma Bradford said: “The sheer bias in reporting Johnson’s sneaky, shambolic behaviour over the unending car crash of Partygate, plus his incompetence and sickening arrogance, is telling.

“A Tory leader shouldn’t have to put up with blatant character assassination like this. It’s not like saying Starmer’s a paedo-defending lockdown-beer-swilling monster whose deputy flashes her fadge. That’s the rough-and-tumble of politics.”

Voter Nikki Hollis said: “I keep getting this weird, irrational feeling that I don’t want to vote Tory anymore. Where’s Laura Kuenssberg when you need her?”

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Five ways to back out of a drunken marriage proposal

GOT so hammered at the weekend you inadvertently popped the question? Here’s five ways to wriggle out of it: 

‘Let’s have a long engagement to save for the most special wedding ever’

Hen and stag dos in Costa Rica and Tokyo, marrying on a Seychelles beach, honeymooning in a treetop lodge overlooking the Serengeti: it doesn’t matter so long as it’s financially unattainable. You’ll still have to spaff cash on a swanky engagement ring, but it’ll buy you time to get caught having an affair.

‘I’ll need to ask your father’s permission’

She’ll doubtless wonder why you’ve gone all Downton Abbey, but you’ve got a secret weapon: you know her dad hates you. Go to him privately, be honest, take a few punches in the face and walk out of there proudly bearing his refusal. Unless he spitefully gives his blessing in which case you’re f**ked.

‘We’ll need some rules’

Should put him right off the idea if you make them as draconian as possible. He does all the housework, domestic finances and cooking, you look after the needs of your girls down the pub. Chuck in the suggestion of a pre-nuptial agreement and you’ll be off the hook and he’ll be forever traumatised.

‘I was just taking the knee’

Claim that your advocacy for Black Lives Matter was misunderstood and your only proposal was to free people of colour from their iniquitous position under captalism. He’ll be baffled but you can’t be openly piss-boiling furious with anyone fighting racism in 2022.

‘Sweetheart, you misheard’

You were only kneeling awkwardly because you were too pissed to stand, and what you actually said was ‘Will you carry me?’ because you were so rat-arsed you couldn’t manage the stairs. Why else would you have blacked out five minutes later with no idea she’d even said ‘yes’?