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Tory MP defects to Reform, nobody notices, defects back again

A CONSERVATIVE MP who defected to Reform has observed the lack of reaction and swiftly defected back again. 

Andrew Rosindell, the member for Romford, announced his high-profile shock defection this morning only to discover it was neither high-profile nor a shock so has quietly returned to his former party.

He said: “I expected a press conference. I didn’t get a press release.

“After Zahawi and Jenrick last week, it appeared I was just one more dickhead trying to leap to a faster horse mid-race, and I don’t want to be one more dickhead. I’ve always viewed myself as a very singular dickhead.

“But, as nobody even noticed me changing sides, my name is unknown even to my constituents and the two parties are functionally identical anyway, there’s nothing stopping me changing back.

“I’m back with the Tories. Reform never happened. Nigel who?”

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Student claiming to have visited Greenland on his gap year

A 21-YEAR-OLD who has never mentioned it previously is suddenly saying he spent a month in Nuuk during his gap year. 

Jordan Gardner, studying PPE at King’s College London, has over the last few days begun talking about the ‘life-changing’ experience of staying with an Inuit family for a month in 2023 and the ‘appreciation of their rich culture’ it gave him.

He said: “Yeah, there’s all these people talking about Greenland but have they actually been there, like I have? I’ve never mentioned it before? I probably skipped over it.

“It was meant to be a stop-off on my flight to Paraguay but when my luggage was lost a family took me in, and the month I spent in their simple wooden hut has resonated with me ever since. Their warmth, their emphasis on family, their diet of smoked fish.

“I earned my keep by cutting blocks of ice and transporting it on dogsled, their trade since time immemorial. It also happens at the beginning of Frozen? I wouldn’t know, I eschew Western cinema.

“The patriarch gave me a seal fur and told me I would always be his irniq, or ‘son’. So I understand Greenland better than anyone and might fight for them, if I’m not more useful co-ordinating the resistance via my podcast.”

He added: “That’s where I got this iron arrowhead I wear around my neck always. I told you it was my ayahuasca retreat in Colombia? That was a different arrowhead.”

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