Tory MP 'not yet ready' to put down loveable bouncy Labrador that shits everywhere

A CONSERVATIVE MP has admitted he is delaying the inevitable trip to have Boris, his much-loved golden Labrador that shits everywhere, put down.

Tom Booker, member for Thurrock, conceded that his beloved pet is past its best, may be deaf, no longer obeys behavioural rules, destroys things and is terminally incontinent, but cannot help but remember the good times.

He said: “He’s barely able to function now. He makes a terrible mess everywhere he goes. But I can’t help it. I still look at him and see the companion who promised so much.

“He was so lively and jaunty and fun, even people who hated dogs liked him. Everywhere you took him he’d win people round. Even when he got caught being naughty, they’d just say ‘Oh, Boris’.

“But now, since he’s developed this problem of catastrophically shitting himself then dragging his arse over all the carpets in a misguided attempt to clean it up, he’s a liability. I know he’s got no future. But I look into those bewildered eyes and can’t do it.

“I know he’s got to go. I know he has. I know he’s in pain, and it’s not fair to let him suffer like this, and it’s for his own good. But I’m not ready yet.”

He added: “Come here Boris. Come here boy. Who’s a good Boris? Is it – f**king hell, he’s f**king bitten me. Call the vet.”

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Shitting, pissing, flushing - the infinite joys of owning a toilet. By Adrian Chiles

IN times like these, when there’s not much happening to think or write about, you find your mind drifting to the little things in life. Such as the lavatory. 

We take it for granted. But just suppose we were in a situation where there wasn’t one to hand? What would we do our wees and plops? You’ve probably never wondered about it, but as a top Guardian columnist it’s my job to wonder on your behalf and I can only conclude: crikey, beats me!

Let’s face it, toilets come in handy. Let’s stop to think of all the things we can do with them. Shit in them. Piss in them. Sometimes both at the same time. People talk about how useful kitchen sinks are but it’s just not the same.

And let’s not forget the flush. Apart from shitting and pissing, is there any more satisfying toilet-related activity than the flush? 

Think about it. Just one push of your hand and your dirty deeds are washed away. It’s very cleansing, when you think about it. Like the Catholic church. You’re the sinner and Jesus is the cistern. Or the Toilet Duck. Or something. I’m confusing myself now with all these deep thoughts.

The thing is, you try to talk to your kids about toilets and they’re not interested. They bring round their friends and I show them our toilets, demonstrate the flushing action, invite them to do a wee in them, and they make a face at you like you’re one of those ‘weird Dads’.

In conclusion, I’d say, if you have a toilet – cherish it. And if you don’t, why not give one a try? You’ll be surprised at the difference they make.