'War on woke secretary - Kemi Badenoch': Liz Truss' fantasy cabinet revealed

LIZ Truss seems certain to be the next prime minister of the increasingly dysfunctional UK. Here’s a sneak preview of the fantasy cabinet she’s already drawing up.

War on woke culture secretary – Kemi Badenoch

The only culture the Tories are interested in is woke culture, because attacking it is popular with horrible voters. Self-styled anti-woke campaigner Badenoch is ideal for the job, with her first policy being to force every member of the population to watch the episode of Fawlty Towers where the Major uses the N-word about 20 times.

Minister for tax and pork markets – Nadhim Zahawi

The only economic policies that Truss is interested in are cutting taxes and opening pork markets in Beijing, so Nadhim Zahawi can forget about all other aspects of his previous role as chancellor of the exchequer and put his feet up. It’s not like Truss is going to ask him to help people struggling to pay their energy bills or anything.

Minister for making Brexit brilliant – Jacob Rees-Mogg

Rees-Mogg will keep his job as the man gaslighting the country into thinking Brexit has any upsides but Truss will sex up the title, as it currently sounds a bit boring. She will be extra keen to get behind Brexit to disguise the fact that she was once a filthy Remainer and an even filthier Lib Dem.

Minister for sending them back to where they came from – Suella Braverman

The title ‘foreign secretary’ will be retired in favour of something that really appeals to core Conservatives and Priti Patel will be ousted in favour of the even more unpleasantly right-wing Braverman. Anyone trying to enter the country will be sent to Rwanda, even if they’re from Swindon and have just been on holiday.

Secretary of state for the nasty bits that aren’t England – Dominic Raab

Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will become Raab’s personal fiefdom, to be used as an experiment into what happens if you remove all human rights. He will create a society of depressed, overworked, spiritually crushed serfs, but they will still be happier than those living in Truss’ England.

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Six things about men they really hope women don't discuss

YOUR girlfriend’s out with the girls again, but what do they talk about? Surely nothing bad about you? Surely not any of these issues?

Your penis

What if your girlfriend’s mates all have horse-cocked partners, and she fancies trying one herself? Or maybe you’re being patronising and women have better things to talk about than penis size? Probably they never mention it because it would be rude and disrespectful. Yeah.

Overall sexual performance

Far more concerning. It could emerge that you don’t have much sexual stamina and a very limited repertoire of moves. Apart from the damage to your ego, how do you even get better at sex? Does the local college do an evening course? Watching porn for tips makes anything that isn’t MILF-stepdaughter threesomes seem unnatural.

That time you got really drunk

Being sick all over yourself is a run-of-the-mill booze anecdote with the lads. But your girlfriend’s mate Sally will ask: ‘Is he still an alcoholic?’ Now all her mates have you down as a hopeless lush who pisses the bed and is one Stella away from getting violent.

Your career

Is fine, when framed correctly. But after a wine your girlfriend might reveal you’re in a mundane office job paying barely the national average – which includes road sweepers and dog walkers – and every plan to get out of that rut has failed. It’s humiliating and you’re not even there. But they’ll surely stick to hair disasters and Ryan Gosling.

Her happiness in the relationship

It’s a normal, functioning relationship where she watches shite on the telly while you play Elden Ring in another room. Happy and loving. But ideally she wouldn’t tell her mate every detail of that in case some of them set sky-high expectations about spending the evening together and talking about stuff.

Potential boyfriends who aren’t you

Some female friends consider it delightfully mischievous to highlight a better potential boyfriend. Given your shortcomings, this is highly irresponsible. All it would take is some guy with better personal hygiene, clothes bought after 2019 and broader cultural interests than Punisher comics and you’re in deep trouble. But hopefully they won’t.