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We ask you: are you ready to breed, breed, breed for Nigel Farage?

NIGEL Farage has reached the inevitable stage every cult leader does by demanding that Britain f**k for him. Will you answer the call? 

Julian Cook, currency trader: “As a high earner, tax breaks already made me bolt-hard. Now I’ve got a use for that erection.”

Fran Johnson, nurse: “Only if you’re married, though. It’s good he’s bringing back the proper stigma for bastardry that made Westeros what it is today.

Susan Traherne, dog groomer: “They should make a big Breed For Nigel poster with his face on it, and I’ll put up in my whore of a daughter’s bedroom to encourage her to ditch the condoms.”

Wayne Hayes, shoplifter: “It’s just winning policy after winning policy, time after time. That’s what happens when you’re the only politician with the courage to lift ideas from Hitler.”

Lucy Parry, student: “Look who’s just bunged Boris Johnson a nice little backhander…”

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'You know how cannabis isn't illegal in London in any sense that matters? Well…' says mayor

SADIQ Khan has outrageously suggested that the law in London should be updated to match ongoing realities on the ground. 

The mayor, who has already damaged the capital by being elected three times while those living elsewhere did not want him to be, now plans to bring the city to its knees by acknowledging what is actually happening within it.

He said: “Half of London is openly smoking weed on our streets. The other half’s smoking it indoors.

“You cannot walk from a Pret to another Pret – and that’s a very short walk – without catching a cloud of Hawaiian widow. Dealers’ QR codes dot every lamppost. The white and middle-class have only to be a little anxious and they get skunk prescribed.

“Therefore I am proposing that rather than pretend this isn’t happening in the face of copious evidence we admit it is, that London is baked, and cannabis is as legal here as public urination.

“Yes, this will give the Met one less weapon to use against black people. Honestly I’m viewing that as a positive.”

A government source said: “Oh for God’s sake, who commissioned an independent drugs report led by a barrister and former justice secretary? Those things always come out wrong, they’re useless.”

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