Friday, 4th December 2020

We don't need Nissan because we'll be rolling in fish, and four other Brexiter delusions

PEOPLE who believe Brexit is going to be a massive success seem to live in a highly imaginative parallel universe. Here are some of their favourite delusions.

Fish will solve all our problems

Britain will be as rich as Saudi Arabia thanks to all our fish. It doesn’t matter if industrial supply chains break down – we’ll just make cars out of dried fish powered by fish oil, which is probably like petrol. It’s no wonder foreigners are so scared of British ingenuity.

The NHS will be amazing

Once Brussels stops stealing all our money, our hospitals will be swish and futuristic. No matter that our own government keeps cocking up relatively simple projects like ‘Operation Moonshot’ – in 2021 NHS patients will be tended to by high-tech robot nurses, like in sci-fi films. Only they’ll be sexy. 

Joe Biden wants to take our Brexit away

Were it not for the Good Friday Agreement, Joe Biden probably wouldn’t give a toss about Brexit. However, Brexiters won’t let that stop them pretending it’s at the very top of his list, because they think everyone’s as rabidly obsessed with it as they are.

‘Global Britain’ will be a huge success

Brexiters keep banging on about ‘Global Britain’, but that’s understandable because they’ve yet to progress from ‘simple slogans’ to ‘discussing reality’. At the moment all it seems to mean is that we’ve got a so-so trade deal with Japan. Well, Japan is on the globe, so it’s technically ‘global’.

Britain will remain a pleasant place to live

Kent won’t be a concrete plain of lorries, portaloos and misery. Deprived post-industrial regions won’t get even more depressing. No, all of Britain will be a sunlit upland of lovely villages – like the ones in war films. All it takes is a bit of imagination.