Subscribe

We were dangerously close to being electable, Green Party explains

THE Green Party has taken a controversial stance on Zionism because it was worried it might become a viable political party.

Concerned by how their recent gains could result in them actually taking a role in government and implementing their policies, the party decided to take a hardline approach to Zionism in order to make that virtually impossible.

A Green Party spokesperson said: “Being an alternative party is an easy gig. Nobody expects anything from you and you hold the moral high ground by default, it’s great.

“We were perfectly happy with our cushy lifestyle of bombing in local elections and being a punchbag for the Mail. But suddenly people other than students and residents of Brighton were paying attention, scrutinising Zack’s council tax etcetera, and we weren’t keen.

“When we got that plumber in up North, we had as many MPs as Reform and were being taken a fifth as seriously. We weren’t ready. No matter how extreme our policies on recreational drug use, a hardcore were still prepared to vote for us.

“Luckily there’s always Israel. So we went Kanye West just before Zack’s by-election, freeing him from the burden of representing the people of Holborn and St Pancras and ourselves from having to save the planet and scrap tuition fees. Phew.”

Party leader Zak Polanski warned: “If this doesn’t work I’ve got some views on trans rights locked and loaded. Don’t make me use them.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to get Olivia Colman's middle-aged pissed-off done-with-this-f**king-catwalk look

OLIVIA Colman appeared in the Miu Miu show at Paris Fashion Week and made it perfectly clear it is one more f**king chore to get through. Here’s how to get that look: 

Be given a leather skirt and mutter ‘oh for f**k’s sake’ 

Leather outerwear, apart from a classic jacket, is a tough ask for anyone, let alone the over-50s. Leather trousers, leather coats, all carry the vibe of the ex-boyfriend encountered 30 years later who, incredibly, is still in the same failing band. Ask ‘Have you not got anything less showy?’ then irritably put it on.

Refuse to wear high heels

You conceded on the skirt, telling yourself maybe it might work on date night if you hadn’t let those lapse in 2024. But when the bright-eyed girl dressing you pulls out a pair of five-inch snakeskin heels your patience snaps. ‘Put those on Kylie bloody Jenner,’ you tell her, ‘I’m not falling on my arse.’ And thus you go down the catwalk in sensible flats.

Accept the jacket

It’s a nice jacket, and after all it is autumn. Long enough to flatteringly hide the bum. Yes, this jacket not only suits you, it’s an absolute keeper. At which point you’re told that no way will you be allowed to keep it because it’s couture, costs £38,000 and has already been reserved by Queen Rania of Jordan.

Shrug off attempts to get your hair done

‘I thought this was about representing my style,’ you snap at the man attempting to piss about with your hair and make it resemble a bird’s nest that only a 19-year-old breathtaking beauty could get away with. ‘Just put it in a ponytail. That’s what I had it in to drop the kids off at university, so it’ll do for this.’

Insist on a black top

They’re bringing out all kinds of fancy shit, but you know what suits you and it isn’t fuchsia. Nor is it anything that has too low a neckline or exposes your belly. ‘Haven’t you got a nice V-neck?’ you ask and a runner is sent out to H&M to buy one and cut the labels out.

Put your hands in your pockets and look annoyed

You’re an actor. You’ve got an Oscar. And still you have to do this kind of shit? You don’t see David Mitchell on the catwalk but apparently you’re brilliant ‘stunt casting’ and the publicity will bring in funding for your next film, so off we bloody go down the catwalk and back. And after this you’ve got to go to a party with K-Pop idols. Your f**king life.

Next story ›