HEY kids. I’m a role model to you, and I admit I f**ked up. So don’t be like me. When you’re gunning your Lambo down the motorway on laughing gas, do it safely. 

Inhale at junctions

It’s fine to inhale nitrous oxide and drive, because it just makes you laugh! It’s just laughter and good times like you’re in a car with friends, not entirely alone and without a football club. But the balloon can get in the way of your vision, so wait until the lights or, on the motorway, a straight stretch. Think of others!

Employ cruise control

The Lamborghini Urus is flagship so already comes tricked out with all the options. To stop yourself worrying about your speed, simply set cruise control and let the pedals look after themselves while you worry about steering and getting another lungful of giggle gas!

Use the whole road

Once you’re a few whippets in, your perceptions will expand. As a gifted footballer I saw the whole pitch, nipping into pockets of space to score, and as a talented driver I’m the same. Central reservation? Lay-by? It’s all road to the committed man and his quarter-of-a-million sports car! Though I didn’t see the shit in the lay-by I crashed into, check for that.

Remember not everyone’s in on the joke

While you’re pissing yourself racing along at 80mph, breaking into new fits of laughter every time you almost hit a Kia Ceed, keep in mind that your judgement may be impaired. Other drivers, due to sense of humour failure or lack of nitrous, may take it rather too seriously. Sad for them obviously, but be kind.

Offer the police a balloon

Finally, when the police pull you over, don’t make my mistake. I was so concerned about where my next huff would come from I forgot to be generous! Offer your PC a pull and soon he’ll be laughing along with you, and will let you off with a caution and a cheery wave! So next time you’re driving your Lambo on laughing gas, do what I didn’t.