Monday, 3rd August 2020

Wetherspoons to be given Carlisle if Conservatives win

BORIS Johnson has pledged the city of Carlisle to Wetherspoons to thank boss Tim Martin for his Brexit campaigning.

If the Tories win the election the city will be taken over by the pub chain, with residents banned from playing music but given unlimited access to cheap beer with a very short shelf life.

Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin said: “When the Tories win we will rebrand Carlisle as The General Elphinstone, a great British hero like me. 

“We’ll cover the whole place in carpet that looks like a magic eye, put 100 fruit machines that never pay out in the town square, and make it really busy with an aroma of toilets.”

Wetherspoons regular Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve never actually heard of Carlisle but it’s good news for anyone who likes extremely mediocre food.

“I suppose I should be annoyed that they’re giving blatant bribes, but to be honest all I care about is cheap beer and a vague notion of Brexit. I drink in Wetherspoons.”