What employers want to see on your LinkedIn profile: A guide for Conservative MPs

ARE you a Conservative MP worried about job security? Learn how to stand out from millions of other jobseekers desperate for work with this guide.

A detailed list of your accomplishments

You’ll need to use your imagination and bend the truth a bit for this. In reality you’ve been doing bugger all for the last few years while collecting a paycheck from the taxpayer, but that’s not going to woo potential employers. Instead of writing ‘letting the rivers go to actual shit’, say ‘finding innovative ways to rewild faecal matter’.

A professional profile picture

Don’t worry about your profile picture being up to date, this isn’t a dating website. As you’re poised to lose your constituency, you’ll likely look anxious and teary-eyed, which isn’t a good look. Instead, grab a picture from 2010, when your future was bright and the world was at your feet. You looked confident, happy, excited, and lots of other emotions you haven’t felt for a while.

A self-aggrandising summary

LinkedIn is all about blowing smoke up your own arse and coming across as more impressive than you actually are. As a Conservative MP, at the time of writing anyway, this should come naturally to you. And if employers should ask how your impressive track record has led to unemployment, deflect and blame Sadiq Khan and his woke agenda. 

Endorsements from coerced friends

No LinkedIn profile would be complete without endorsements written by friends who have clearly been pressured into doing so with the promise of a free pint. Nobody is as impressive as these mawkish statements claim, but employers get a sick kick out of reading your friends’ bullshit testimonies. Whichever endorsement gets the biggest laugh usually lands the job.

A string of bullshit keywords

Ultimately, LinkedIn is an algorithm geared towards bollocks jargon. Stuff your page with keywords like ‘actioning’, ‘best practice’ and ‘bandwidth’ and you’ll be flooded with offers. Failing that, mention that you studied PPE at Oxford and you’ll effortlessly land a cushy job which pays a fortune. How else do you explain the politicians the country has been cursed with recently?

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Changing leader again would be funny, Tories assured

THE electorate has reassured the Conservatives they would find a change of leader both desperate and hilarious.

Following a night of election results as hysterically dreadful as anticipated, the Tories are unsure whether a new leader would help or hurt them electorally, but voters have advised them it would at least be amusing.

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “Sticking with Rishi? Guaranteed loss, no laughs. Panicking, electing a total nutter and falling apart spectacularly? Guaranteed funny as f**k.

“Say what you like about Liz Truss, she was comedy gold. Boris was a classic British farce, all opening doors to reveal secret parties and trousers falling down, and Theresa May’s total lack of any sense of humour got funnier the longer it went on.

“But Rishi? Apart from being so petite there’s no laughs there, he’s just annoying. Contrast that with a futile attempt to win around the country by putting an incompetent like Badenoch in, blundering through the corridors of power? I’d laugh.

“Or Robert Jenrick, classic Brittas Empire material. Or best of all Suella Braverman trying to be the dictator she’s always dreamed of being while Downing Street collapses around her. I’m chuckling just thinking of her impotent rages.

“You owe us a laugh after the last 14 years. Let’s finish on a smile and then never elect you ever again.”