ARE you a Conservative MP worried about job security? Learn how to stand out from millions of other jobseekers desperate for work with this guide.
A detailed list of your accomplishments
You’ll need to use your imagination and bend the truth a bit for this. In reality you’ve been doing bugger all for the last few years while collecting a paycheck from the taxpayer, but that’s not going to woo potential employers. Instead of writing ‘letting the rivers go to actual shit’, say ‘finding innovative ways to rewild faecal matter’.
A professional profile picture
Don’t worry about your profile picture being up to date, this isn’t a dating website. As you’re poised to lose your constituency, you’ll likely look anxious and teary-eyed, which isn’t a good look. Instead, grab a picture from 2010, when your future was bright and the world was at your feet. You looked confident, happy, excited, and lots of other emotions you haven’t felt for a while.
A self-aggrandising summary
LinkedIn is all about blowing smoke up your own arse and coming across as more impressive than you actually are. As a Conservative MP, at the time of writing anyway, this should come naturally to you. And if employers should ask how your impressive track record has led to unemployment, deflect and blame Sadiq Khan and his woke agenda.
Endorsements from coerced friends
No LinkedIn profile would be complete without endorsements written by friends who have clearly been pressured into doing so with the promise of a free pint. Nobody is as impressive as these mawkish statements claim, but employers get a sick kick out of reading your friends’ bullshit testimonies. Whichever endorsement gets the biggest laugh usually lands the job.
A string of bullshit keywords
Ultimately, LinkedIn is an algorithm geared towards bollocks jargon. Stuff your page with keywords like ‘actioning’, ‘best practice’ and ‘bandwidth’ and you’ll be flooded with offers. Failing that, mention that you studied PPE at Oxford and you’ll effortlessly land a cushy job which pays a fortune. How else do you explain the politicians the country has been cursed with recently?
