CARBON net zero? What happened to the good old days of zero belief in global warming? Who’s got to Boris? Norman Steele investigates:
It’s all a trick
Boris is the consummate con-artist and with this climate conference next week, there’s a boatload of marks incoming. Act like Mr Green, get them all signed up to zero-carbon, corner the coal market for a song. Our lights on and their lights out. What a geezer.
Carrie’s got to him
It’s well known that Boris’s greatest weakness is his dick, and his young bride – better than Kate, pound for pound, for my money – may have hypnotised him via his member. Big mistake, lady. That Churchillian spam javelin is wayward. It’ll be shagging an oil heir next.
It’s all to piss off Cameron
Brexit, becoming prime minister, basically this whole government: it’s all because Boris is rightfully angry Cameron jumped the queue. The lad Johnson’s remembered his predecessor did some green shit and is once again betting the country on outdoing him. You have to respect the pettiness.
We’re getting technology from aliens
Or the future, one or the other. The Boris charm has persuaded them to give us incredible blue glowing energy cubes and we’ll use them to develop green power, sell it on, run the world. It is hypothetical but it’s not been disproved, unlike climate change.
None of it’s true
The man lies! He simply lies. It’s one of his best and most authentically Conservative qualities. All this green ground-zero bollocks is to dominate headlines the week it was revealed he and his wife had their mate over at Christmas breaking lockdown rules. See? You hadn’t even heard about that.