Why I'm a centrist who always ends up backing right-wing policies

by Martin Bishop, political centrist and floating voter, of Swindon

PEOPLE often say to me, ‘Martin, why do you bother calling yourself a centrist when you always take right-wing views?’ They just don’t understand the benefits of centrism.

Firstly, it means I’m above simplistic ‘left’ and ‘right’ dogma. So not only can I choose the best policies from anywhere on the political spectrum, I’m also superior to you mere partisans, which gives me a lovely warm feeling.

And because my views are in the centre, they’re more sensible. Take the economy. Yes, Truss got it wrong. But everyone knows the Tories can be trusted with the economy. 

I can’t explain why, they just can, and Labour would fritter decent people’s taxes on takeaways for fat unemployed skivers. Being a centrist means I’m able to take this nuanced view.

Secondly, it means you’re not right-wing, which has unpleasant associations with the BNP or racist pensioners droning on about National Service. That’s nothing like me, a cool guy who listens to Florence + The Machine and cooks baltis.

So even though I back the police coming down hard on protesters and believe Muslims are unilaterally imposing sharia law, you can still invite me to parties and liberal women can still have sex with me.

The best thing about centrism is that anything a bit dodgy is just political ‘realism’. To be honest, I’m not comfortable with all these immigrants. But I don’t have to say it. I just say ‘It’s a real concern for many voters’ and I’m on the side of the working class.

So that’s why I’m a centrist. I can sound progressive while still having reactionary, don’t-rock-the-boat opinions that won’t upset employers, my parents or bigots in the pub. 

It’s saved me a few principled arguments and cuts down my thinking time no end. Won’t you join me? 

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Woman hoping she can still catch a bit of QI after sex

A WOMAN mid-intercourse with her partner is wondering if it will be over in time for her to catch the last 20 minutes of QI. 

Donna Sheridan, who is currently underneath her boyfriend Tom, is calculating the time it will take for him to climax then fall asleep and is confident she will be able to catch the repeat on Dave.

She said: “As there’s no way I’m going to reach orgasm, I might as well learn something new about Archimedes or Pavlov’s dogs while he snores and I finish myself off.

“Ideally one from the Fry years but if it’s one of the newer ones with Sandi Toksvig, that’s fine too. Especially if David Mitchell’s on it. He knows where the clitoris is, dresses smartly and he wouldn’t f**k you about.

“Sometimes Tom lasts longer than expected and I have to spend a few minutes booking a Tesco delivery slot before it comes on Dave Ja Vu, but I don’t mind hanging around when I’m going to get something good out of it. Unlike this shag.”

Tom said: “After an incredible night of passion, Donna and I always drift off to sleep satiated and exhausted. Although weirdly, I often dream about Alan Davies.”