PISSED off about having to self-isolate whilst I’ve done everything I can to try and weasel out of it? Here’s why double standards are perfectly acceptable:
I’m the prime minister
I have hugely important things to do, like running the country and attending daily photo opportunities. Although to be honest, even if I wasn’t PM I’d be the sort of selfish twat just ignoring all the rules anyway.
I’ve had the Covid
Admittedly that was my own fault, but if you’ve not had it yet the onus is really on you to stop it spreading. I’ve given you loads of confusing contradictory advice, so I’ve done my bit.
You’ll only go to chip shops or something
Let’s face it, your horizons are more limited than mine. Not being able to stuff your faces with saveloys while self-isolating isn’t much of a sacrifice. I, on the other hand, need a gourmet meal from the Downing Street chefs, or superlative vol-au-vents at Spectator parties.
I have a genius-level ability to get away with stuff
Last-minute U-turns, talking rubbish, blatant womanising – crafty old Alexander can get away with all of it. It’s possible voters may get sick of this f**king pantomime and boot me out, but it’s unlikely. That’s not overconfidence, it’s just my winning personality. But mainly Brexit.
You’ll get used to being cooped up again
Think about the brave RAF chaps imprisoned in Stalag Luft for more than five years, to use yet another nonsensical World War 2 reference. They didn’t even have Netflix.
I am a terrible, terrible person
Given my track record, do you really think I am about to change? This might be a deadly global pandemic, but the main issue here is simple: Boris Johnson.