WE kept looking. We refused to give up. And eventually we found the one unbelievably thick, nasty and prejudiced voter who reflects the views of all Gorton and Denton voters.
With the by-election this Thursday, the media have been scouring the area to find an average, typical bigoted voter who holds all the correct opinions for a deprived Northern constituency ready to turn from Labour to Reform.
It was a long and difficult quest, with many voters insisting that local issues matter or that actually, they are not living in abject poverty and are capable of nuanced thought, but finally a true voice of the people has been found.
52-year-old retiree Wayne Hayes is in no way representative of the young, and ethnically diverse demographic of the area, but does produce headline-grabbing soundbites.
He explained: “They come over here on their small boats to molest women and eat swans. Those are my women and those are the King’s swans. Also they molest the swans.
“If Keir Starmer gets in every bloke round here will become a trans woman, not that you’ll know because we’ll all be in burquas. Then he’ll kill us with the assisted dying bill and sell our organs to China to build tax-payer funded day spas for WFH civil servants.
“That’s why I’m voting Reform, er, I mean, I’m an undecided floating voter.”
Asked about Wayne’s claims, Labour spokeswoman Carolyn Ryan notes that economic deprivation and chronic underfunding naturally turns people into Hitler.
“We take Wayne’s points very seriously. It’s people like Wayne we need to convince if we want to hold onto this seat, and no one else.”
