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You cannot fight the rising tide of Burnhamania sweeping the country, says Andy Burnham

ANDY Burnham has told Labour any attempt to stem the wave of Burnhamania overwhelming the UK can only lose. 

The mayor of Manchester, who loves his city so much he attempted to quit his job for a worse job, informed Keir Starmer that he cannot tame the whirlwind and the Burnham army will inevitably triumph.

He continued: “They can stop me at the NEC, for now. But look around. At the Burnham badges on jackets, the Burnham graffiti on walls, my name on lips. I’ve already won.

“In every city the youths cry my name. In the corridors of power it is only whispered, but with hope that could level mountains. Soon it will be chanted on the streets by millions. It is not for myself, but for the people that I sought to become member for Gorton and Denton.”

18-year-old Hannah Tomlinson confirmed: “Forget K-pop. All Gen Z cares about is Andy Burnham’s visionary public transport policies and plans to encourage working-class representation in the arts. And my grandparents are the same.

“When his forthcoming album Burnham Baby Burnham is number one on iTunes pre-orders, when Tom Holland’s cast as him in the biopic, when he’s sold out nine consecutive nights at Wembley, what can the NEC do?

“Burnhamania has taken Britain. A seat as a MP will follow as surely as day follows night.

“Prime minister? No, he’d make a shit prime minister.”

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'Ladies of the night', and five other sexual euphemisms sagely used by dads

MEN of a certain age are clued up on the latest developments in sex and use appropriate terminology without shame. Your dad’s employed each of these: 

‘Ladies of the night’

Having heard that saying ‘prostitute’ is offensive but not yet aware of ‘sex worker’, dads have rejected ‘courtesan’ and ‘harlot’ and, in a bid to touch base with new generations apparently okay with this stuff, have noted that the road down by the station attracts a lot of ‘ladies of the night’. Calling them this implies he is a ‘man of the world’.

‘The birds and the bees’

Ever since he sat you down at age nineteen and awkwardly handed you a condom, your father has made it clear that any further questions you might have about ‘the birds and the bees’, a phrase he’d like you to think he is using ironically, are ‘best tackled by your mother’.

‘Mucky magazines’

Unaware that you were aware internet porn existed, charmingly believing it was his secret, your dad was concerned about you keeping ‘dirty books’ under your bed and wisely warned you to tuck them away before your poor mum found them while cleaning and died of a breast-induced heart attack.

‘A blue movie’

After watching a terrible film, your sweet old pa notes that the acting was ‘worse than a blue movie’, then blushes furiously, because how on earth would he know? Certainly he never rented anything like that from the corner shop’s video section when rest of the family was holidaying in Tenby.

‘Marital aids’

Your father’s a modern man, and as he explained once after two beers, he had no qualms about turning to ‘marital aids’ when he and your mum’s sex life hit a rough patch. Specifically? An unbranded lubricant used in GP surgeries.

‘On the other bus’ 

It’s wonderful to find your father is so open-minded about sexuality when you bring home a gay friend for a family meal. Not a word of disapproval is voiced. However, following Dean’s departure, a dizzying number of phrases from ‘uphill gardener’ to ‘friend of Dorothy’ are employed, all vaguely sinister. You explain that ‘one of them’ is not okay any more.

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