You'd be a f**king mug to vote Tory, says minister for common sense

THE newly appointed minister for common sense has advised the public if they vote Tory after the last 14 years they ‘need their heads examined’. 

Esther McVey was given the role in the last Cabinet reshuffle and has wasted no time giving the public her bracing view that the Tory party is a busted flush only a knobhead could support.

Speaking from the front of her black cab, McVey said: “It ain’t controversial, mate. It’s just common bleeding sense.

“I mean take that Rishi. We didn’t vote for the prick. He’s helicoptered round between his massive houses while we’re paying tax through the bloody nose, and for what? Shite dumped in our rivers?

“All this stuff he’s telling that’s wrong with government, well it’s his government, it’s been in power yonks and what have they achieved? Square root of f**k all except filling their pockets. Working man’s poorer than ever. Shopping bill’s a joke.

“And Brexit? Don’t get me started. If there’s benefits from it they’ve skipped my house. Nah, Tories have had their chance and it’s been bollocks. I’m voting that Starmer next.”

The prime minister said: “Right. Because I didn’t mean actual common sense.”

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Woman standing up to boyfriend soon to enjoy warm embrace of Tinder

A WOMAN who has finally stood up to her errant boyfriend will shortly be luxuriating in the warm, comforting embrace of a dating app. 

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 26, decided she was not being a doormat for Jack Browne any longer, particularly in regard to his not answering texts and flirting with other women, and believes their relationship will be all the better for it.

Rodriguez said: “He can only love me if he respects me and he can only respect me if I tell him everything wrong with him. This is a wake-up call he doesn’t just need but wants.

“You see it all the time in the movies – a woman stands up, tells her man he’s not respecting her emotionally, he realises what he’s about to lose and changes his ways just in time. This is exactly like that.

“I know Jack’s been unfaithful, and the money I lent him wasn’t for rent, and he wasn’t just ‘trapped in the work car park’ for eight hours on my birthday, but I also know he loves me and he sincerely wants to change, so it’s ultimatum time.

“Me and the girls discussed it and we’re sure this will work. The best relationship decisions are made drunk by consensus. Everyone knows men love it when you point out their shitty behaviour, backed up by examples and evidence. Tinder? No, not for me.”

Jack Browne said: “Well, the time’s come to move the f**k on, and handily with a week to go before Christmas. Tinder? Never left it.”