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Your bitter ex, and other people from your past you'd rather hear from than Tony Blair

THE ghoulish spectre of Tony Blair reappeared this week to share his thoughts on current events. Here are five people you’d sooner hear from.

Your bitter ex

Just because you’ve done your best to avoid them in person and online doesn’t mean your bitter ex isn’t out there somewhere plotting your downfall. All you did was chuck them by text and start shagging their best friend the next day. But you’d still rather hear a long list of unfortunately valid reasons why they still f**king hate you than be lectured by a disgraced warmonger.

Your school bully

True, they caused lasting psychological damage with their on-point mockery of your stupid appearance and daft name. But perhaps time truly does heal all wounds. Maybe they’re a better person now, although Facebook suggests they’re a scumbag promoting drop shipping in Dubai. Even so, reconnecting might make you feel better about yourself, and it’s still better than listening to a sanctimonious pal of dictators who appears to be turning into a goblin.

Your estranged uncle

What exactly happened to him? There was that odd barbecue decades ago where some home truths were drunkenly spilled and then you never heard from him again. Odd. Catching up with him would certainly solve some awkward family mysteries that have been lingering over gatherings ever since. Plus he owes you a tenner and petrol isn’t getting any cheaper.

Your first boss

Yes, he was a micromanaging twat who timed your toilet breaks. In his defence though, you were a 17-year-old who didn’t have a f**king clue how anything worked and liked to skive off at every opportunity. If you did somehow meet by chance you’d probably regard it all as water under the bridge, and it’s unlikely he’d subject you to his unasked-for opinions on Keir Starmer delivered in a smug, smarmy, punch-my-face manner.

Your childhood self

There’s no one more awkward to be reunited with than your childhood self. Not because you used to be an annoying little shit, you know that already. No, it’s because they’ll take one look at you and realise this is where their life is heading. Still, in your lifetime you’ve never been to war on false pretences resulting in the death of hundreds of thousands of people, so you can at least reassure them of that while you’re explaining their bleak future.

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A swimming pool, and other great heatwave items to be lumbered with

PLANNING to buy cool stuff in a fit of enthusiasm for the hot weather? Definitely purchase these items too expensive to get rid of when the weather turns shit again in a few days’ time.

Dyson fan 

Expensive, but you’re blown away, so to speak, by the lack of fan blades. That’s until you discover they just suck in air through tiny holes and blow it out through a slit, rather than firing air molecules out using magnetic ion propulsion or something. F**k you, Dyson. You’d expected a particle accelerator for 300 quid.

Swimming pool 

£100 is the bare minimum for one that isn’t basically a big beaker of water, and it will still be too small to do anything resembling swimming unless you’re four or Tyrion Lannister. Can your neighbours be persuaded to do some swinging as if it’s a hot tub to justify the expense? Only ones that are unhealthily obsessed with sex, and you’re not sure you want to befriend people who are up for a less glamorous version of dogging. 

Ice dispenser fridge 

Handy, but how often do you need ice in your drink during the rest of the year? The only way to not feel you’ve frittered your cash on a new Smeg is to start drinking a lot of cocktails. Put down those Capri-Suns, kids, you’re having an Old Fashioned!

Air conditioning 

Central air conditioning is a proper status symbol that makes you look trendy and pleasingly American. As a bonus it’s nice in hot weather. The downside is you’ll feel like a twat for blowing 15 grand on it during the 355 days of the year when it’s totally unnecessary. To get some use out of it you’ll have to turn it on whenever you’ve set the central heating too high this winter, even though that is basically murdering the planet.

Air conditioning, standalone unit

Much cheaper but still not cheap and completely lacking the cachet of the aforementioned duct version. About as impressive as inviting people round to cool down then making them stand in front of the fridge with the door open.

High-end barbecue 

A decent gas barbecue can easily cost £500 or several thousands, which is a lot for the small number of days when it’s warm, not raining and you’re not at work. Also it puts inordinate pressure on you to invite people round, and you’ll quickly realise your hybrid dual-fuel barbecue with rotisserie and searing feature is of far superior quality than your f**king dullard friends. 

Giant Connect 4, and similar

You’re going to be out in the garden all the time now, playing oversized Connect 4, KerPlunk and noughts and crosses, right? Two days later you’re sick of having to stand up to play and wondering what sort of moron plays noughts and crosses for any length of time. Frankly you’re relieved when it pisses with rain and they can be put away forever like your other board games, only taking up 50 times more space.

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