Zahawi scandal fails to damage rock-bottom f**ked Tories in polls

THE Zahawi tax scandal has not affected Conservative popularity one iota because the entire country made its f**king mind up long ago. 

Britain has paid little attention to the firing of the chairman for misleading HMRC over his tax because it is no more than anyone already assumed these corrupt, venal bastards have been up to for years.

Nathan Muir of Congleton said: “I haven’t bothered to learn the details. I could try to remember the name if I needed extra motivation when voting, but I won’t.

“Got caught cheating on tax, lied, threatened to sue, got fired. I mean throw the twat on the pile with the rest. The flames will burn all the brighter come election day.

“Every Tory you’ve heard of is a proven bully, a fanatical ideologue, f**king in the Commons, thieving millions from the public purse, crashing the economy or wanking to tractor porn. And the ones you’ve not heard of are worse.

“We’re just waiting this one out. Apart from the 25 per cent who are so deranged they’d have Boris back, and they’re glad to see the back of Zahawi for reasons you’re not allowed to say these days.”

He added: “Take a fortnight to fire Raab if you want, new shocking revelations every day up to and including nutting the late Queen’s horse. You’re f**ked whatever.”

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I’m moving to Europe, says woman with no f**king clue what that would involve

A WOMAN who is fed up with the hassle of life in the UK has announced she is leaving to live an affordable and sophisticated life in continental Europe. 

Nikki Hollis of Bromsgrove has visited Europe twice, on a booze cruise to Calais and a hen weekend in Milan, and is confident moving there will be as simple as loading her stuff in a van and choosing a location.

She said: “Everything’s rubbish here: it’s freezing, the NHS is down the shitter and my electricity bill cost more than my wedding.

“Italy, on the other hand, is lovely. You can drink cappuccinos all day and proseccos all night. You don’t need heating because it’s dead sunny and Italians aren’t bothered about bills or paperwork or all that crap. They’re a relaxed Latin culture.

“As a nail artist I can work anywhere, and they all speak English. I’m going to give notice, hire a van, do a road trip and make my home in the first town I like the look of. Ciao.”

Husband Steven said: “Nikki’s an optimist but not a thinker. She doesn’t realise that Europe has winter, only tourist areas speak English, and the admin out there often involves presenting yourself to the town mayor and hoping he’s in a good mood.

“It’s not all flip-flops and fountains, and she refuses to hear that we can only stay 90 days post Brexit – which she voted for. But she is reconsidering now I’ve told her you can’t get salt-and-vinegar crisps.”