2023 has been the year of Rishi. 'Like 1996 was the year of John Major,' says my wife

From the diary of Rishi Sunak, 2023’s only prime minister (!)

MY first full year as prime minister couldn’t have gone better. We are poised and ready for the great poll turnaround of 2024. ‘I have another perspective,’ says my wife. 

‘I was talking to John Major after the Coronation – nice man, servile – about his last years. Beset by idiot cabinet members crazed with xenophobia. All around him MPs kicked out for bizarre sexual practices. Losing by-elections weekly. Defeat inevitable.’

‘And this is relevant to me how?’ I ask. ‘John Major’s government was so despised it locked the Tories out of power for 13 years. He was forever abhorred by his party afterwards. Where are the similarities?’

Akshata nods slowly, like when she’s explaining bond markets to the children. She says: ‘So if we thought experiment the great poll turnaround not happening as planned? The recession arriving? The autumn election ending in Tory wipeout?

‘The party collapsing into in-fighting? Electing a succession of wholly repellent leaders? Losing again and again to a Labour who have remembered everyone hates the lefties?’

I’m given pause for thought. And in truth I have entertained doubts, often after PMQs, that history may not be as on my side as I’ve always assumed. I look around Cabinet meetings and conclude that none of these people approach being employable.

‘But John Major is not even remembered,’ I splutter. ‘The water closed over him and his five years as prime minister as if they never happened.’

‘He told me seven years,’ says Akshata, ‘and that is a good thing. Once we are in Silicon Valley your past will be as forgotten as Nick Clegg’s. I’m lining up your interviews.’

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

A white home counties roadman swags Christmas an’ da X-Boxing Day ting

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, talks through his Holidays with his non-crew fam

WAGWAN, festive fam? Peng tidings to you an’ your crew. Christmas been nang for man. 

Active J bustin’ da latest Xbox, an’ flexin’ a peng black North Face hoody, boxfresh black Air Max 95s to replace man’s scuffed black Air Max 95s, an’ a hooge stash of Prime henergy drinks by da boss, KSI. Man is gassed.

But den man finds out on Snap wasteman Drilla gets da same 95s as Active J, instead of da black Air Force like him’s halready got. Safe tho’, coz man’s is half size bigger, so man’s is better coz there is more ov dem, still.

Famdem invaded man’s crib on Christmas Day, sayin’ how much man has grown an’ callin’ man Joshua! Bare vexed.

Christmas dinna woz rank too. No takeout, not even Maccy Ds drive-thru? An’ wot da flip is stuffin’, bruv? Den man couldn’t get him’s cracker hat over him’s new hood. Bare rippin’ all da time, told parents they shudda put beanies in dem crackers hinstead.

After da dinna, man’s parents did sad charades game. Wasteman fam not get Active J’s ‘Straight Outta Compton’ ting. Blud know nuffink habout gangsta rap.

Den on da X-Boxing Day, parents wanted Active J to do da rank countryside walk ting. Man told dem Miss Jackson had set ‘omework, but man pure busted GTA Online all day hinstead, an’ swigged Prime henergy drink, for henergy.

But Active J felt too hactive, like him’s heart was trippin’ an’ man’s eyes woz makin’ stars happear keepin’ man bare awake all of da night.

Man don’t get how it called da X-Boxing Day before X-Box. Must be like Christmas Day woz dat before J-Christ woz born.

Active J bare dead wasted today from no sleep an’ vexed from no vapin’. Met mandem crew on da school hastroturf, to check new drip an’ post old drip on D-Pop for cash, innit. Gave Drilla a poundin’ for being a copycat wasteman.

Man got a gift for gyal Lady G, a peng pumpkin spice vape an’ Active J got a gift from Lady G, a Bubblegum an’ Blueberry vape, two of man’s favourites flavas in da one vape.

Gyal even went to a different corner shop for Active J. Gyal peng. Man ‘avin’ feelin’s for Christmas after all, innit.