A white home counties roadman endures wasteman careers week

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has spent a pointless week discussing career options other than gangsta rapper.

WAGWAN? Active J is bare misunderstood, bruv. Man has been hexplainin’ all week to wasteman careers muppets, man don’t need no job hadvice, man is flexin’ swag to bein’ a gangsta rapper, innit?

First, Active J gets a bare lecture from hadvisor about getting da good grades in hexams. It woz like da lecture from parentdem, but at school, fam. Blah, blah, blah, hopportunities. Blah, blah, blah, secure future. Man will secure da future by bein’ boss at grime, innit?

Do next day Active J an’ mandem crew ‘av to sit in da gym, an’ hask dem career muggles questions. Man woz like: ‘Wot trainers does man flex?’ An’ da muggle woz like: ‘Don’t you want to know about employment at our company?’ An’ man woz like: ‘No, bruv. You Jordans or Yeezys?’ Him’s ‘ad no idea.

After dat, man went to da library wiv Lady G, coz da hemergency services were doin’ a drop-in ting, an her’s wants to be a paramedic gyal. Oh man! Dem’s were tellin’ gyal all habout savin’ da lives at haccidents ‘n’ ting. Man woz bare ready to hurl him’s Frosties. 

Den dickhead Drilla starts bustin’ swag wiv da crew, sayin’ him’s signed up for da harmy, an’ him’s gettin’ a bare Hay-K 47, innit. Man woz super-vexed den, coz Lady G an’ Drilla woz supposed to be man’s support rappers.

Man’s history teacher, Miss Jackson, asked if man woz hinterested in any of da careers. But there woz no gangsta producers, labels or music agents around. Not even Simon Cowell, innit. 

Da week woz a bare waste for man coz Active J is still goin’ to be da best gangsta rapper of all time.

But den Miss Jackson sed how da music hindustry woz really hexploitative an’ hunfulfillin’, coz her woz once next in line to be a Sugababe! But her decided to do teachin’ hinstead.

Wot is wrong wiv you, Miss? Da music hindustry only treats you bad if you tunes is bad, heveryone knows dat. Man sed her could be Active J’s support rapper. Miss shouldn’t make da same mistake twice, this is her’s future, innit?

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Woman slags off boyfriend so much she has no choice but to dump him

A WOMAN has criticised her boyfriend so heavily to friends and family that she now has no choice but to dump him.

After Lucy Parry began venting her everyday frustrations about boyfriend Tom Logan, she quickly found that all subsequent mentions of him were met with sighs and a chorus of ‘Dump him, babe’.

Parry said: “I probably shouldn’t have started slagging him off because now everyone’s saying that, having established he’s a wanker, the onus is on me to leave him.

“He’s actually just a normal person with a few annoying quirks, like we all are, but I’ve ripped into him so viciously that now they think I’m a mug for staying with him.

“Also, when I came home pissed and vomited in the bed, I don’t really think Tom was ‘gaslighting’ me and ‘subtly undermining my self-esteem’ because he got a bit cross.

“My friends said he overreacted and that I’m a unicorn and a queen and ‘You do you, babe’, whereas Tom, understandably, was all ‘This is disgusting’ and ‘Did you eat sweetcorn?’.

“But I suppose I’ll have to break up with him now, just to keep the approval of my friends and family. I won’t utter a bad word about the next one, even if he’s a right dick. It’s not worth the hassle.”