Blaming the French: is there any problem it doesn't solve?

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who thinks Legionella is too good for them

WE pretend there are other explanations. Weather, the Labour party, Millennials, etcetera. But, you, I and everyone knows all Britain’s problems are down to the French. 

Whether they’re burning sheep and lobbing them at British holidaymakers with a trebuchet, forcing us to have the Chunnel because they think it’s sexy, or refusing to take asylum seekers that are their fault, it’s always the bloody French.

This is a nation so ridiculous it genders spoons as female and whisks as male. That puts garlic in coffee and gives bread its own shop. That is so filthy it invented the arse-washing machine. And they think they’re better than us?

Let’s be clear, France: the small boats are your fault. We know how vicious your gendarmes are. If this was an outer arrondissement of Paris, they’d be clubbed down in the streets before you could say ‘brûle ma voiture’.

But on the beaches? They’re waved off to Dover with a cheery ‘au reviour’ and a gift of stinking cheese as if they were in some way our problem.

Well, Rishi can’t solve the small boats. We all know it. Like Napoleon, he’s simply too small a man to be taken seriously. But he can do what prime ministers have been doing for centuries, and blame France.

Nobody will doubt him. ‘The French?’ Britain will say. ‘I knew it!’ We’re well aware of how they resent Brexit for breaking us free from their slimy, Gauloise-reeking, buttock-groping embrace.

Inflation? Their fault. The NHS? Undermined by their dependence on it to treat sexual injuries. Energy bills? Frog-owned utilities. Mortgages? It’s even a French word.

Blame every problem on those cross-channel bastards and the next election’s a Tory landslide. Followed by what we all know we want deep down. War.

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GB News and Talk TV secretly fucking

THE UK’s two least-watched and most furiously aroused news channels are meeting to fuck in secret, it has emerged. 

Two rival groups of staunchly hypocritical free speech-loving mavericks, who by coincidence are all on the right-wing side of the spectrum, have fallen into a torrid cross-channel affair which violates every principle they have ever collectively held.

Piers Morgan said: “How can something so very, very wrong feel so right?

“We at Talk TV – that’s the one I work for, I’ve checked – have nothing in common with those nonconformists at GB News. We’ve all been sacked from proper TV, but apart from that nothing.

“But we can’t resist it. There’s only a bridge between us, and on any given day you can see Feltz meet Farage or Rob Rinder meet Dan Wootton and head off to an alleyway for uninhibited filthy sex.

“Watch either channel. I dare you. You’ll see Sharon Osbourne covered in bitemarks from Jeremy Kyle’s distinctive teeth. You’ll see the same discarded, ravaged love doll dressed as Boris Johnson in the background of Rees-Mogg’s show turn up on the set of Dorries’s.

“And I? I let them all have me. From Eamonn Holmes to Michelle Dewberry it’s open season on my orifices. I’m throbbing and used every bloody night at 8pm, and the minute the show finishes they’re straight back up me again.

“It’s so thrilling because nobody will ever find out. They’d have to watch us to do that.”