Mash Blind Date: 'We said if we were both single at 30 we'd get married. It wasn't a joke, Lucy'

THEY’VE been friends since they were teenagers when they made a pact drunk that one party fully intends to honour. Will Lucy Parry and Jordan Gardner marry? 

Jordan on Lucy

First impression? 

As lovely as she ever was. I’m glad I waited through all the doomed relationships and tears on shoulders. I’m glad I held out for the prize of Lucy’s love.

How was conversation? 

The air’s been pregnant with what’s not being said ever since Lucy’s 30th last month. She knew, I knew, but it never seemed like the right time. It was such a relief to finally get down to it.

Memorable moments?

Quite the opposite: Lucy claimed she didn’t remember that night in 2009 when we made the legally binding verbal agreement! I walked her through it and even explained there was no going back because it was her idea, her suggestion, and her deal that we shook hands on.

Favourite thing about Lucy? 

That after all these years she’s mine, and it’s a relationship based on friendship so the love will always last.

A capsule description? 

Worth staying single for all these years.

Was there a spark? 

A shower of them, like the welding scenes from Flashdance. Lucy’s favourite movie. Her boyfriends never remembered but I did.

What happened afterwards? 

Lucy said there’s no need to take it too fast, but that she’ll be ‘thinking about me. A lot.’ I was walking on air.

What would you change about the evening? 

Only that it would last forever.

Will you see each other again?  

Obviously. We’ll be together for the rest of our lives.

Lucy on Jordan

First impression?

It’s always so great to see Jord and catch up. We’ve been friends ever since we were 17 and while other mates come and go, I know we’ll always be there for each other.

How was conversation? 

Surprisingly stilted. Which made me think this was it, he’s finally met a guy and he’s going to come out to me. I already know obviously, but I didn’t want him to feel pressured.

Memorable moments?

The one moment that really overshadowed the whole evening for me was when Jordan revealed that he was not gay, was in fact in love with me, and that we made a pact when I was shitfaced on Aftershock and I am now obliged to marry him. That was an extremely memorable fucking moment. I’ll be doing full-body cringes in the nursing home.

Favourite thing about Jordan? 

The simple, unspoken purity of our friendship. As was.

A capsule description? 

I have been working on asymmetric information for the last 13 years. There were things I did not know. I’m not marrying him.

Was there a spark? 

No. Nor has there ever been a spark. Nor do I find him in the least attractive.

What happened afterwards? 

We parted, never to see each other again, unbeknownst to Jordan. And my favourite film hasn’t been Flashdance for a fucking decade.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would not lose a close friend. Though it’s debatable whether I was ever anything more than an idealised shag at the end of the 20s rainbow.

Will you see each other again?  

Maybe I’ll tell him I meant when we were 60. It’s not like he’s doing anything else with his life.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Groups shouldn’t be allowed to replace members. The Rolling Stones should be just Jagger singing and Richards doing a one-man band.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You don’t hear much of Marie Kondo these days. Did she cease to spark joy?

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You laughed when your kid’s class got an ‘emotional support hamster’, but after having it over Christmas you were wrong. That hamster was your rock.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Whenever you’ve got a decision to make, you think What Would Jesus Do? and do the opposite, because it didn’t work out for Jesus.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

There’s a big sale on at DFS if you’re a Leo. Hurry, it ends soon.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Joining Disney+ to watch The Banshees of Inisherin felt weird at first, but then Mickey Mouse does only have three fingers.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

White Creme Eggs? Oh, and I suppose that’s not racist?

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

If only square dancing were cultural appropriation of marginalised Appalachian communities, you’d have an excuse to get out of your sister-in-law’s 50th.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Energy-saving tip: you’ve already read all the energy-saving tips there are to offer and they’re shit, so save yourself the arseache.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

It’s your birthday this week. The stars say it’s a shit time for it.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

If you went on University Challenge you’d buzz in with ‘Pitt The Younger’ for every question. You’re bound to get one of them right and just maybe all of them.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You don’t worry about closing the curtains when you change so no-one will see you naked. Nobody wants to see you naked. You’ve asked.