NEVER do anything in the bedroom you’re not comfortable with, especially if it’s having sex lucid. Not only will it happen, but you’ll remember it for years to come.
Traditional lovemaking is best accomplished, whether a married couple on date night or a young lovers on a one-night stand, blind hammered. Sex sober is risky. These are the dangers of squaring up to aroused genitals without a few sharpeners first:
You’ll be self-conscious
The great thing about drinking is it makes you so unconscious of your body you walk into doorframes. It’s far easier to be accepting of your bodily flaws when the room’s spinning, and to blame seeing double for your thunderous thighs.
And it’s not just your body that will be thrust into the spotlight of sobriety but your fuckbuddy’s meatsuit as well: nothing will send you running into the arms of soft-focus pornography quicker than the whiteheads on your husband’s arse.
You’ll have no excuses
Men: can’t get it up? That’s on you for once, not the booze. Women: if he’s had his face in your fanny for 40 minutes and you’re still miles from climax, you can’t blame the vodka like you usually do.
Nor do you have any good reason for not trying new adventurous positions like being bothered to turn over or stand up. And your go-to reason for drifting off to sleep before your partner’s climaxed is snatched away. It’s all veritas and no fucking vino.
You’ll have razor-sharp senses
No Frenchman would brave the consumption of a soft-ripened camembert without sloshing down a pint of red wine first. The same principle applies to your husband’s balls. And sixty-nining cannot be accomplished sober, just as it can’t be accomplished too pissed. Find your happy place. Usually it’s upward of ten units.
You’ll have reduced deniability
Say you get caught up in the moment and admit your foot fetish. Or climax while shouting the name of the plumber who was so attentive to your misfiring boiler. Sober? There’s no coming back because there’s no gin and tonic to blame it on.
Safer to make sure you’re pissed enough to claim Gary the plumber’s muscular forearms were only in your head because the Tanqueray put them there. And for your husband to be pissed enough to choose to believe you.
You’ll form a more meaningful connection
Above all, having sex with a loved one sober brings with it the risk of actually sharing a moment of connection which, if undertaken when irresponsibly conscious and lucid, could not only be meaningful but make you closer for weeks or even years to come.
You could end up spending long evenings on the sofa sharing confidences, touching hands, and gazing into each others eyes when you’ve got box-sets to watch. So you’d be wise to knock back white wine straight from the fridge door on the way to bed tonight just in case.