Five retrospectively deniable ways to hint you're up for sex

IT’S regrettable and you should really be more mature, but sometimes there’s no denying it: you want sex. 

But instead of being honest, risking rejection and a year-long sulk, drop hints. The kind of hints you can turn around and deny were a sexual advance if they don’t meet with an overjoyed reaction. Use these invitations to a porking:

‘That really is a banana in my pocket’

Trying to tell your girlfriend that you’re in the mood by subtly ramming your erect cock into their back while cupping their tits when they’re just trying to reach the Marmite? Be sure to pop a banana into your pocket.

That way, when they snap ‘fuck off, do I look like I’m in the fucking mood, why don’t you help with the dinner for once, you lazy fuck?’ you can explain that they’ve got it all wrong, that’s an actual banana. Because of all the helpful fruit shopping you do. Try to avoid grinding overripe bananas until they burst, or it’ll look like you’ve gone off in your pants again.

‘This is a very sensual novel’ 

When your husband arrives in the bedroom, 40 minutes after he said ‘I’ll be right up’, to find you sprawled naked with candlelight glinting off a bottle of lube, be sure to have a book at hand.

Then, if he starts banging on about his morning meeting or hitting the gym too hard or he’s a little bit too pissed, feign astonishment. ‘Sex? Who wants sex? This is a very sensual book, that’s all,’ you can say, holding up a hardback of Fire and Blood, ‘now stop distracting me from the dragons.’ Check it’s the right way up before pretending to read.

‘I’m Marie Kondo-ing these split-crotch panties’ 

Being caught in crotchless knickers is a sign you’re up for a fuck that’s hard to back down from, unless you’re really behind on the washing. Why would you want your fanny out if you don’t want anything up it?

Because you’re doing a clearout, that’s why, and you were just seeing if these lacy panties and chain suspender belt sparked joy before popping them in the Sue Ryder bag. So piss off. Though hopefully he’ll take the hint and do you from behind.

‘I’m genuinely very dirty’

Sending a flirty text or whispering how dirty you’re feeling is a bold, forthright way to initiate a good hard fuck – unless she’s not in the mood and replies ‘did you call about mortgage??’

But you haven’t put yourself out there and been turned down flat. You were in fact saying that you’re physically dirty because it’s been a really sweaty day and the Starbucks you were working in ran out of loo roll. You were saying that you are measurably filthy. Giving you a great reason to nip off for a wank in the shower.

‘I’m just doing a sex toy inventory’ 

The reason there’s a selection of sex toys laid out on the bed? ‘No need to mutter about fungal infections, darling, I’m just doing a pre-Christmas inventory so I can update my Amazon wish list. Furry handcuffs check, anal beads check, vibrating love eggs look like the battery’s leaked. I’ll throw those out.’

Gets you out of it without any suspicion whatsoever. Then wait until he’s snoring and sneak off to the front room with the Hitachi wand to enjoy some Vikings: Valhalla.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You decide to add a third Michelin star to the barbecue in your back garden, and by star you mean tyre.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Boris won’t be forgotten. Every time you do a trump, then another, smaller, wetter trump, you’ll remember him.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Be yourself: everyone else is already taken. Or be Batman, if you can swing that.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Your past lives include: farmer, farmer, dairy farmer, rice farmer, maize farmer, clearing rocks for agricultural land, farmer. But for some pretty diverse and exciting civilisations.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Catnip is a Class A drug in the cat world. You’re basically forcing them to freebase cocaine. Consider that next time you buy them a little treat.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Remember when a phishing scam meant telling a harmless lie about a 50-pound carp?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You make a huge improvement to your golf game this week by taking MDMA. Your round’s 42 over par, but the experience is markedly better.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a pet gecko called Gary.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Do people who believe in the power of homeopathy still piss in the swimming pool?

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

You can hold a crocodile’s mouth shut with one hand, enabling you to give him the wanker sign with the other.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

My dad went out for a pack of cigarettes twenty years ago. Come to think of it, he’s been loads of times before and since. Loves them.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Okay, wow, really sorry, my mistake. I did not know those were your genitals.