THERE are sexual experiences which are desirable and attainable, like orgasms, a finger up the arse during climax or getting a blowjob from a ghost. 

And then there are sexual experiences that, like Glastonbury, you want not to enjoy but to boast about. To tick them off your sexual bucket list before your fanny becomes worn and abrasive or your cock needs blue diamond scaffolding.

So next time everyone’s pissed at the dinner party and chat turns to bumping uglies, slip in references to these sordid acts to imply you’ve had a sex life worth living:

Sex with a stranger

How can you have a sexually realised self if you’ve never had a mild STD from someone you’ve never seen again? YOLO, you know? So it’s imperative you risk being murdered by a theoretical serial killer so he can demonstrate to you, either with his home furnishings or his cock, why he’s single. If the sex is so mindblowing that it haunts you forever, overshadowing all further lovemaking, you’ve fucked up. Either way: tick.

All the bondage shit

Ironically deeply vanilla after Fifty Shades, everyone’s got to do the chains-and-leather ballache these days. I know. Time is short, energy is low, the kids find the spreader bar. And in my experience, men either hit too hard, apologise after every stroke or are way too into being treated as lowly worms. Just do 20 minutes with a dressing gown cord acting as bondage and blindfold and be done with it: memories in the bank.

Shagging in public

For fuck’s sake. As if eating alfresco wasn’t pain in the arse enough. But public sex is something every couple has to claim they’ve ruined an afternoon trying to have. Personally I go to a National Trust, which keeps out the riffraff, though you’ll soon find that sharp-eyed children can see his wood through the trees, bushes are spikey and insects are even less pleasant close up than a 42-year-old’s ballbag. Also, the idea of being caught is less hot and more genuinely worrying.

Threesome

‘Sure, I’ve had a threesome.’ Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? But in your wank fantasies, you naturally imagine yourself the star of the show. Would that be the case? Or would you be the odd one out like in the playground, watching a shag happen and trying to resist going on your phone? And what if your third party is strange in all the wrong ways? Just fucking say you’ve done it. You can’t answer questions because you’re protecting Emily Atack’s privacy. Whoops.

Romance winning the day

Romance stops where oral starts, frankly, but every prick has a sex story where romance wins through. They passionately rutted through a tropical storm with rain pattering on their buttocks and realised she was The One. Piss off, it’s not a competition. Anyway, one couple’s post-safari sunset fuck is another’s quick missionary with a single rose in a vase by the bed. A talent for misremembering can be a great help. Also useful: drinking.