Five signs I could be a vampire, with Harry Styles

HEARTTHROB, popstar and now actor Harry Styles has, like many of us, always suspected he may be a vampire. These are his reasons: 

I do dress rather flamboyantly

Fashion’s an area of concern. Vampires dress fancy – sharp suits, big collars, capes – and I’m noted worldside for my elaborate outfits. There are shirts I’ve worn that would make any Dracula drool and that I’d look absolutely natural playing a Gothic pipe organ in a mountainous castle in. Not proof on its own but reason for suspicion.

I’ve never been fond of garlic

When I was filming Don’t Worry Darling, every minute I wasn’t acting or getting off with the director I was bollocking the on-set caterers for using too much garlic. He put it in fucking everything and when you’re romancing a sophisticate older woman who’s technically your boss, garlic breath is unhelpful. But he wouldn’t stop. Flo Pugh reeked of it. I didn’t want to go anywhere near her. I don’t think that was deliberate.

I mostly come out at night

But the thing to remember is all my gigs are at night. I’m kind of an evening shift worker. And while I’ve had sunburn, I don’t shrivel and die when whichever Victoria’s Secret model I’m banging throws the curtains wide in my penthouse suite and the light streams in. I get a headache at worst. I’ll continue gigging at night and just hope I’m not bad like Spike was when he started in Buffy but good, as he became from season four onwards.

I have an English accent

As do most vampires. Occasionally they’re English but talking kind of Eastern European but it’s still largely British, like the Cheeky Girls. I’m aware I share my English accent with around 56 million people, discounting the population of Birmingham and those spaced-out clowns in the West Country, but still when you start to add it all up, the evidence mounts, you know?

I could be immortal

The fact of the matter is, I haven’t died yet. Immortality is therefore very much on the cards. I’m not going out of my way to prove it because I’d be taking drastic action which could backfire badly on my career and life. Maybe Kurt Cobain was trying to prove he was or wasn’t a vampire, I can’t say. Also am I scared of bats, or do I see them as rivals? Makes you think.

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Never listen to journalists: my ten-point plan to make Liz Truss the greatest prime minister this isle has ever known

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist slightly to the right of Hitler

COULD it be? Could Liz Truss, the underdog’s underdog, roar from her hobbled start to become the greatest prime minister ever? If she does everything I say?

It’s an inauspicious start. Her in-tray is piled high with calamity: a collapsing NHS, inflation shooting up like a smackhead on benefits, gas bills as high as that same smackhead after the opiates hit his bloodstream.

Millions are in fear of their futures. Even more are queuing up to give her advice, all of them wrong, addled by compassion, sentiment and Marxism. She should only listen to me:

One. Be Margaret Thatcher. She’s the most popular politician in living memory. Rich and poor, young and old, North and South, everyone adores her and always has.

Two. Ignore the media. They brought down Boris and they’ll do the same to you. Pay them no attention apart from the Sun, the Times, the Express, the Mail, TalkTV, GBNews and my column in the Telegraph. Treat those like gospel and obey their every instruction.

Three. Govern as a Conservative! The British people love conservative policies like privatising utilities, pursuing short-term profit over long-term stability, and low wages. Just look around you to see their success.

Four. Reform the NHS by charging for it. Everyone loves paying that bit extra or Taste The Difference would never have taken off. £10 to see GP, £100 for A&E, the cost of the operation plus 35 per cent for cancer. Also, cut pay across the board.

Five. Be a woman. Labour have never won an election against a woman, not even Theresa May.

Six. Keep appointing right-wing ethnic minority ministers, even if they’re as shit as Priti Patel. Blows leftie minds.

Seven. Become the party of law and order again by passing lots of new laws. Not by hiring police, that’s expensive. Just pass the laws and piss off.

Eight. Climate change can go and fuck itself. China and India aren’t doing it, so why should we? Dump net zero quicker than Boris will dump Carrie.

Nine. Never, ever deliver. Like an ASOS order, policies only disappoint when they arrive. In the true spirit of Brexit just promise continually instead.

Ten. Finally, don’t do any televised interviews at any point. We both know why.