Haaland as captain: A sneak peek at my Fantasy Football team, by Beyonce

I’M glad my new album got leaked early, as I can concentrate on Fantasy Football before Arsenal’s tricky season opener to Palace. Here are the selection headaches I’ve managed to overcome.

Haaland as captain

When I’m not releasing million-selling concept albums which cover everything from racism to my husband’s infidelity, you’ll find me watching highlights of the Bundesliga. Which is why Haaland is my captain. I’m so confident I popped into Ladbrokes to stick a few quid on him to be top scorer at 11/4. Stole a few of those little pens while I was there. Always handy to have around the house.

Salah is definitely worth £13.0

Mo Salah is expensive but I think he’s well worth the 13.0. Especially as he’s listed as a midfielder. You can pad the rest of your midfield out with cheaper players like Mount, Eriksen or Zaha. Jay-Z and I were having our toad in the hole the other night and he’s building his midfield around Kevin De Bruyne. I said, ‘Don’t get me wrong, KDB is world class. But personally I think Grealish is due a big season. Now pass the onion gravy, Jiggaman.’

Forest might surprise people

They’ve been in the doldrums for a long time, so it’s great to see Forest back in the Prem. Cloughie will be looking down with a smile on his face. I think they’ll surprise a few people. Keep it tight at the back with Nico Williams (4.0), bang in a few goals with Brennan Johnson (6.0) and have 29-year-old TikTok-loving man-child Jesse Lingard (6.0) pulling strings in midfield. 

Ronaldo is finished

Don’t get me started on Messi vs Ronaldo. In Destiny’s Child me and Kelly were Team Messi whereas Michelle liked CR7. But what does Michelle know? She came fourth in The Masked Singer and I’m practically a billionaire. I respect Cristiano because, like me, he’s still killing it at almost 40. But I think he’s done at United. ‘Gimme Jadon Sancho any time,’ I told Jay, but he was busy with his homebrew stout.

Take a punt on Mitrovic

Fulham might be a yo-yo club but the fact Mitrovic scored over 40 goals last season can’t be ignored. He’ll be trying to do it at Anfield and the Etihad this season, not Kenilworth Road and Deepdale, but I think he’s worth a punt. That reminds me, if you go to Deepdale, the ‘2 Pies & 2 Beers’ deal saves you some serious cash. For £12 I got chicken balti pie and a lager and Jay went for meat and potato and a John Smith’s. Both absolutely lush.

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Visit the 'rat petting zoo': Saving money during the school holidays with the penny-pinching expert

IT’S the school holidays and as every parent knows, the insatiable vampire parasites we call children will be sucking your wallet and purse dry. Luckily I’ve got some simple alternatives to costly summer holiday activities.

Kids love animals. Thank fuck the dinosaurs are all dead, or you’d be at Knowsley Jurassic Park every weekend. However they’ll still demand to visit safari parks and petting zoos. Here’s how I avoid those hefty entrance fees.

Find a disused local factory, or as I prefer to call it, ‘rat petting zoo’. With luck there’ll be thousands of cute little vermin scurrying around. Do emphasise to kids it’s important to avoid being bitten by their new furry friends because hospital parking costs a fortune these days. If the rats are shy, there’s bound to be pigeons and some interesting moss, so there’ll be plenty to see.

Even at a slightly unsafe factory, kids will want souvenirs. It’s tempting to let them bring home a deceased rat, but the diseases don’t bear thinking about. I just buy a few catnip-infused mice for cats – you can get four or five for a few quid – and hey presto, a plush ‘rat’ toy which they can pay for out of their own pocket money. 

And here’s a great tip for any day trip, whether it’s the rat zoo or a free steam engine museum – the key to keeping your expenditure down is to take your own food and drink with you. 

Kids will constantly be demanding expensive bought ice creams, and even in a cool box a tub of Asda budget soft scoop will soon melt. So I take some cornets and a tub of Smash with sugar stirred in. If you start them young, they can reach their teens thinking ice cream has a slightly unpleasant potato taste.

The local leisure centre is a great source of activities. Swimming is healthy, opens up a host of recreational possibilities, and may even save your child’s life. However I almost shat a brick when I discovered it was £4 a session.  

Instead I’ve invented what I call ‘theoretical swimming’. Get the kids to lie on your coffee table and do the moves for doggy paddle, breast stroke etc. It’s a great introduction to swimming that will give them a head start when they can pay for their own bloody lessons.

And finally, no summer holiday would be complete without arts and crafts. I remember doing brass rubbing, pressing leaves and flowers, playing pooh sticks – all extremely boring but with negligible costs. You’ll actually get plaudits from middle class parents who love this sort of traditional shit. Just don’t mention that it’s because you’re not paying 40 fucking quid to go to the local water park.