He knows full well who Lorraine is. I've caught him wanking to her

From the diary of Carrie Johnson, Britain’s first lady

HE’S not at his best in the morning. Takes him a while to warm up. Which is one explanation why his interview went so very fucking badly. 

The other reasons? Well, he’d finished the Chablis at midnight. He was late, which pisses off live TV people, what with them doing live TV. He’s not spoken to them for five years. 

And, most importantly, it took place just when he’s getting his morning horn, it was that leggy cow doing the interview, and he’s strictly forbidden from making a pass at her. I’d drummed that in the night before. 

Why couldn’t it be Piers? He’s so wrapped up in himself that he spends the first five minutes basking in the reflected glory of his interviewee’s presence. But he couldn’t keep the lid on his dick about Markle. 

So instead it’s Susanna Reid in a skirt and Big Dog repressing every one of his natural instincts while she talks over him boasting about Ukraine. And instead of asking about Partygate, which he’s got an answer all ready for, blindsides him with the cost of living. 

I was watching it all on the monitors ready to coach – even though I’m on maternity, a genius PR never rests – and tried to communicate with hand gestures. Useless. He looked like he’d been woken up on a train. 

What does he know about the cost of living? He never even orders the takeaways, let alone stumps up for them. The only advice he could give is ‘don’t pay and fuck off when the bills come in’.  

Then that final Lorraine comment. Instinct took over: one woman asks about another and you deny you’ve ever heard of her. I remember him doing it to Marina about me. 

Never heard of Lorraine? That’d be news to his cock. More than once post-briefing I’ve found him having a little rummage to her. Bit mumsy, but all the Tory boys have a thing for that. Comes of going to boarding school aged eight. 

He can wank to her all he likes. He’ll never go on her show. The daytime club don’t fucking vote. 

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Why cooking for vegans needn't be a hassle, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

VEGANISM’S hot right now, so let’s celebrate healthy, plant-based diets! It’s not like vegans are holier-than-thou twats who deserve their soy protein rammed up their arses, is it?

Chilli con carne

Made with kidney beans, tomato puree and paprika, although for a vegan version you’ll need to pop out and buy some Quorn mince. Once you get home, discover it’s not vegan because it’s got egg in it. For fuck’s sake. Eggs aren’t animals. Chickens just shit them out. Go out again and trawl the shops for overpriced vegan mince. Fucking sanctimonious timewasters.

Stuffed avocado with spicy beans and vegan feta

Looks great, with the contrast between creamy avocado and spicy chilli-and-cumin beans. Not that hardcore vegans will touch it because, as Portia explained, they use bees to pollinate the avocados and it’s an ‘unnatural use of animals’. Christ on a bike, bees are exploited now? Why not get them to unionise, Portia, you delusional cow?

Vegan toad-in-the-hole

Straightforward enough, if you don’t waste hours wondering why anyone would shape bland soy protein into sausages. I thought they rejected meat but it turns out they can’t wait to tuck into pretend Peppa fucking Pig. I’m not overly fond of broccoli, but I don’t demand a substitute made from fried chicken. You know why, vegans? Because I’m neither entitled or mental.

Chickpea curry

Without doubt the blandest thing I have ever tasted. After this bread seems spicy. Kimberley, my 15-year-old vegan niece, says it’s ‘delicious’. It’s not. She’s lying to herself, the brainwashed idiot. She’d have done well in the Cultural Revolution. I can just see her laughing as she beat pensioners with a stick in a carnivore re-education camp.

Banoffee pie

Looks fantastic. It’s a digestive biscuit base with bananas and – here’s the important thing – whipped coconut cream instead of dairy. Expecting high praise from my vegan friend Alan, I served it up and he wouldn’t touch it because the bananas might be treated with chitosan, a pesticide made from shrimp and crab shells. This is getting beyond a fucking joke. Do these picky bastards eat anything?

Water soup

I’ve had enough of vegans’ shit, so I invented this recipe myself. There’s not one ingredient vegans can take issue with, and it comes ready-made out of the tap. Had your gas cut off? Call it gazpacho.

I invited Portia over to get a rise out of her, but she said it was ‘yummy’ and asked for second helpings. Christ, I give up. Perhaps let’s not celebrate vegan diets. Let’s strap these fucking freaks down and force-feed them mince until they go back to normal.