How I'll replace Klopp and rebuild Liverpool, by Billie Eilish

POP megastar Billie Eilish has announced an 81-date world tour. But she’s not bothered about that. Instead here is her plan for bringing the glory days back to her beloved Liverpool FC.

SINCE I’ve never mentioned them in public, never attended a game and never watched them on TV, it may surprise you to learn that I’m actually a staunch fan of Liverpool FC. The Liver Birds. The Scouse Army. The Mega Reds. As I call them.

I love Andy Robertson and the gang so much that I’m low-key hoping to replace Jurgen Klopp as manager myself. They won’t know what’s hit them once I get started with pre-season. I’m about to gegenpress myself into their hearts and minds.

It may look like Arne Slot has the job locked down, but I can pull a few strings. Imagine the hype an A-list megastar in the dugout would generate. Tutting and swearing at the fourth official while wearing a windbreaker with a cute lil’ ‘BE’ initialled on it. Shankly, Paisley, Dalglish, Eilish. It just makes sense.

Just like Ryan Reynolds, I can help put this lowly, shitty, beaten-down side back on the map. Klopp has tanked this final season. Eilish will pick up the pieces. Here’s my strategy.

Step one – our goaltender Alisson is out. I’m bringing back Jerzy Dudek. Sure, he’s over 50 and retired a decade ago. But BIG Liverpool fans like me will never forget his heroics in Istanbul. Sure, I was only four when it happened, but his crazy legs are seared into my memory and actually inspired a lot of the dance moves on my last tour.

Step two – clone Mo Salah. If one Mo can light up the EPL, then think about what three could do. We simply take a lock of his bouffant hair for the DNA and make a bunch of him in my secret lab. That’s worth 100 goals plus a season and we don’t have to play Darwin Nunez again. Because I think we all agree he’s a f**king carthorse.

Step three – install my creepy brother Finneas as assistant coach. Sure, he knows nothing about football, but he’s a born winner. Even if he’s useless, I reckon I can get him a seat on Sky’s Soccer Saturday where he can go on about what a good job I’m doing. Which would really piss off Matt Le Tissier, but he can f**k off back to his tinfoil bungalow and tweet about Mossad controlling the weather.

By this point I’ll have the fans and Jamie Carragher on board. Sew up the league by April. Bag the quadruple, bring home the Superbowl, nab the World Series and clinch Olympic gold just in time for my statue to be unveiled outside Anfield.

YNWA. LFC til I die. F**k Everton.

Billie x

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'You’re shop-soiled goods by age 30': Your own mum or an online incel? Guess the quote

WERE these offensive nuggets of misogyny offered to you by an internet stranger who despises the idea of female empowerment, or your sweet old mum? Find out here:

‘You’re shop-soiled goods by age 30’

While feminist tomes like Cosmopolitan may have convinced you that 30 is the new 20, this person has a vested interest in ensuring that you fear ageing and the inevitable demise of your good looks and youthful charm. This means you will probably accept the first man that comes along after your 31st birthday. Sounds like something another woman would never say? Wrong. Your mum said it yesterday.

‘Your career will just get in the way of your life’s real purpose’

This person is adamant that no man wants a woman who’s had a career or pursued any of her own interests. For them, your only purpose is to settle down, birth as many kids as possible, and spend the next thirty years as a slave to housekeeping and child-rearing. Yeah, obviously it was your mum.

‘Men need someone to look after them’

Poor men, ageing out of childhood into an adult world that cruelly expects them to be able to do things like buy washing up liquid and not play video games until 3am on a Tuesday. But who says you should be the one to assist them in navigating it all? Not the men, they’re fine. No, it’s your mum who wants to continue to infantilise them.

‘You shouldn’t be going out in that dress’

While you were under the impression that men should take responsibility for their actions, this person thinks the exact opposite. Apparently, if you wear a tight top or show a couple of inches of thigh, you’re asking to be harassed. Classic solidarity from none other than your own mum.

‘You don’t want to be an old mum’

Egg-freezing and IVF may have helped women take a bit more control over their fertility, but this person strongly believes that having a child after your ‘peak fertile years’ is a crime against nature, and you will be rightly shunned by society. Who would have such regressive views on reproduction? Your mother, of course.

‘Women are only good for one thing’

To be fair, your mum didn’t say this. What she did say was ‘Women are only good for two things: sex and cooking. And you’re not very good at cooking.’ Even an incel wouldn’t go that far.