AS a millionaire Hollywood star who can shag anyone, I don’t get down to Sainsbury’s as much as I could. Now I’ve got 1,400 Nectar points burning a hole in my pocket. Here’s how I’ll smash through the f**king lot.

An affordable bottle of wine

Now you might think I’m a hard-drinking Guinness or whisky boy – and I have been known to partake. I often have half a Guinness, when my personal trainer allows it, and if I do 1,000 sit-ups the next day. But my real tipple is actually rose. Which, as we all know, is red wine and white wine mixed together. Seven quid should get me a cheeky Jacob’s Creek. Lush.

Watching my own films

You don’t just have to spend Nectar points in a supermarket. You can use them in Vue Cinemas to see amazing films like The Banshees of Inisherin, starring me. You’d prefer to see the new Halloween movie instead? Fine. Like I give a shite. I’m already loaded. 

Four Warburtons Toastie loaves

My mum doesn’t let me buy Warburtons usually, but it’s my money so I’ll do what I like with it. These retail at 90p so I could get 7.7 of the fuckers, but I’ll spend the difference on cheapo ham and cheese and have an afternoon yamming down toasties until I puke or pass out. Who’s going to stop me? I’m Colin Farrell and I’ve got £7 in loyalty points, muthafuckas.

Shitloads from the discount shelf

Another option is to loiter until Sainsbury’s is about to close and load up on heavily discounted stuff from that grim bit at the bottom of the fridges. It’s pot luck but if things work out I could end up with some reduced fat hummus, slightly greying mince and a cut-price BLT. Plus if I dent a couple of cans of lager on purpose, I’ll have some ale to wash it all down with. Sweet.

A reasonably-priced hardback

All supermarkets have deals on books where they practically give them away, so I might get the new Richard Osman one. I have a lot of downtime on set so when I’m not brooding, being handsome or trying to shag my co-stars, what better than his witty and accessible crime capers? You don’t see Bradley Walsh doing that now, do ya? He’s just not in the same league.

Going on holiday

You can spend Nectar points on Eurostar tickets, although £7 wouldn’t get you into the fucking chunnel, never mind France. And if I want two weeks in Majorca I’ll need to collect points for the next 700 years. Bit of a con, these Nectar points, now I think about it.