How to come down from the news by going on a coke-fuelled bender

WORN out by the ever-heightening drama of British news? Want to return to solid ground gently? Wind down with these comparatively relaxing activities: 

Go on a coke-fuelled bender

Empty your bank account, hand the cash to your dealer, and buckle up. When you come to your senses naked in a ditch with a new boyfriend and facial tattoo you’ll just about have decelerated to normal living pace, until you see the news that Boris is running again and go into cardiac arrest.

Get trollied in Vegas

The lights, the booze, the gambling, the strippers. During normal times these would bring decadent insanity to your otherwise boring life. After catching News at Ten for the last few nights they seem tame diversions for the easily amused. You’ll take them in, but they won’t make you feel anything.

Have an affair

Married? Chat up that girl at work. Single? Wear a low-cut dress and seduce somebody’s husband. Not for the sexual thrill or sense of fulfilment, but because the ensuing ever-heightening histrionics is the perfect slip-road from the motorway of derangement we’ve all been on this week.


Inflation and the energy crisis are reviving the 1970s, so why not get in on it? Bring back the lost art of sprinting through public places without wearing a stitch to lower your adrenaline levels slowly and carefully back to normal after watching Liz Truss tell us all she was still right.

Go to space

A seat on a rocket is barely a week’s interest on Britain’s debt these days. Get the cash, leave Earth’s gravity and look down on all humanity from orbit. It changes astronauts’ outlook on life forever, but your dopamine’s been so maxed out this week you’ll barely manage a half-hearted ‘wow’ before going back to doomscrolling.

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Everything that's wrong in my life and why it's Doctor Who's fault: by an obsessed fan

MY LIFE has been nothing but a series of catastrophic failures and humiliating fuck-ups. But it’s not my fault. It’s Doctor Who’s. 

Even when I was a child and watching it was socially acceptable it let me down. All the other kids were watching Miami Vice while I got the shit kicked out of me for explaining the satirical nuances of the Kandy Man.

Adolescence wasn’t much better. Doctor Who wasn’t considered ‘cool’. Girls weren’t impressed that I could recite entire scenes of City of Death from memory and thought my collection of Dapol figures were creepy.

Then the series ended, the TV movie was shit and Doctor Who was dead. I went cold turkey. I was clean at last. Friends and family treated me like a respectable human being. I started dating. Then it all went to shit because they brought it back.

It looked good. The plots didn’t drag on for four episodes of running around in the woods. Christopher Eccleston wasn’t dressed up like a twat. Everyone loved it. But for me it was a fat line of coke under my junkie nose. I relapsed, hard.

I fell behind at work because I couldn’t stop posting on message boards. My girlfriend found I’d spent our holiday fund on a hidden stash of Character Options figures and left me. I watched the Christmas specials alone.

I thought the revival would only last for a couple of years but it’s still f**king going. And now they’ve released hundreds of episodes, a handful of which are almost decent, on DVD. How can I not get all those?

Then there’s the books. And comics. And audio dramas. And collectable Sky Ray lolly cards. It’s like 20 obsessions in one. You can never get your fill. I will never be free.

And now I’m branded a misogynist for hating the Jodie Whittaker era. If you’d seen The Timeless Children and what it does to the lore – which you haven’t, viewing figures are in the shitter – you’d be hurling as many gendered insults as I am.

If Doctor Who had never happened I’d be a rich, successful playboy getting more pussy than Stephen Moffat in 2010, the height of his powers. Instead I’m doomed to make brilliant but obscure cultural references for the rest of my days.

The curse will never end. The new special’s on Sunday, with Daleks, Cybermen and the Master. It’ll be total shit. I’m counting the minutes.