WORN out by the ever-heightening drama of British news? Want to return to solid ground gently? Wind down with these comparatively relaxing activities:
Go on a coke-fuelled bender
Empty your bank account, hand the cash to your dealer, and buckle up. When you come to your senses naked in a ditch with a new boyfriend and facial tattoo you’ll just about have decelerated to normal living pace, until you see the news that Boris is running again and go into cardiac arrest.
Get trollied in Vegas
The lights, the booze, the gambling, the strippers. During normal times these would bring decadent insanity to your otherwise boring life. After catching News at Ten for the last few nights they seem tame diversions for the easily amused. You’ll take them in, but they won’t make you feel anything.
Have an affair
Married? Chat up that girl at work. Single? Wear a low-cut dress and seduce somebody’s husband. Not for the sexual thrill or sense of fulfilment, but because the ensuing ever-heightening histrionics is the perfect slip-road from the motorway of derangement we’ve all been on this week.
Inflation and the energy crisis are reviving the 1970s, so why not get in on it? Bring back the lost art of sprinting through public places without wearing a stitch to lower your adrenaline levels slowly and carefully back to normal after watching Liz Truss tell us all she was still right.
Go to space
A seat on a rocket is barely a week’s interest on Britain’s debt these days. Get the cash, leave Earth’s gravity and look down on all humanity from orbit. It changes astronauts’ outlook on life forever, but your dopamine’s been so maxed out this week you’ll barely manage a half-hearted ‘wow’ before going back to doomscrolling.