'I can't hand these notebooks to the inquiry,' I told Boris. 'They're pornography.' 'Nadine ghosted those bits,' he admits

From the diary of Rishi Sunak, the prime minister taking unprecedented legal action against his own public inquiry

‘AS lockdown fell across the country, the atmosphere in Downing Street was febrile, fertile and charged with lust,’ I read. ‘Good, eh?’ says Boris. 

‘These aren’t your notes from the time,’ I say. ‘I didn’t take any notes at the time,’ Boris says. ‘Yes you did,’ I say. ‘I was drawing tits,’ he says, ‘of which this is a rough translation.’

I’m in Moldova. He’s in Britain. We got the diaries yesterday and there’s no way we can hand them to Lady Hallett. ‘First time I’ve met a deadline in my life,’ he says. ‘With help.

‘Nadine did them bloody fast for doing them one-handed. Let her imagination fly free. You can’t actually swing on my cock, I regret to say, but suspend your disbelief and chapter 19’s one hell of a wank. Have you got to the bits with you in?’

Given that what I’ve seen of The Johnson Pandemic Diaries so far – to be published by HarperCollins, according to the first page – I’m not sure I want to be in it. So far I’ve read through three tender love scenes and nine hardcore sex scenes.

I’m a cosmopolitan gentleman. I’m familiar with the exploits of one Rupert Campbell-Black. At sixth-form I was called the Southampton Stallion. The words I have read in these diaries horrify me.

‘I never did that,’ I say. ‘I’m never alone in the same room with Raab.’ ‘Raab said you did,’ says Boris. ‘Or was that Hancock? Who is it he brands with ‘LOSER’ across their arse in chapter nine?

‘It was my idea to open with that famous ministerial office blowjob, as a prelude to the whole pandemic era of strictly marital blowjobs. That’s what I remember from lockdown anyway, that and the parties.’

‘I can’t give these to a public inquiry,’ I said. ‘Well that’s you as fucked as the heroine is in chapters 30-34 inclusive, isn’t it?’ Boris says.

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My Neighbour Totoro: is it nothing but middle-class animation for snobby parents?

STUDIO Ghibli’s classic continues to delight Guardian readers who ban their precious children from watching Despicable Me. But is the 1988 anime in its own way just as shit?

It’s got its own corporate mascot

Disney films often seem like feature-length adverts for a toy line, though not in comparison to He-Man and The Masters of the Universe. But Totoro looks like he was designed by a committee trying to create the most plush-friendly fantasy mascot imaginable. This is ignored because the merchandise is Japanese and makes buyers look worldly.

There’s an irritatingly catchy song

Every parent has found themselves humming Let It Go or Hakuna Matata at an inappropriate moment, like a crucial board meeting or mid-fuck. What real advantage is there to replacing that with Totoro’s blaring opening number about the joy of woodland strolls, or the end-credits song that repeats his name again and bloody again?

No, it isn’t deep

Adults who love My Neighbour Totoro hide their enjoyment of a children’s cartoon behind bollocks theories. But it really is just about little girls meeting a fantastical woodland spirit and riding a bus that looks like a cat. No, their mum doesn’t die and Totoro isn’t a metaphor for Hiroshima. They covered that in Grave of the Fireflies and it’s bleak as fuck.

Yes, you know who the director is

Who directed Fast & Furious 7? Who the fuck cares? And you could find out who directed The Lion King or Shrek but you haven’t, have you? Instead you’ve been waiting to blurt out ‘it’s by the visionary Hayeo Miyazaki!’ since the beginning of this paragraph, only to horribly mangle the pronunciation.

The morals would make Disney vomit

Disney’s message about accepting yourself for who you are is so bland US Republicans consider it dangerously socialist. But even saccharine Disney would gag at Totoro’s themes: nature is wonderful, kindness is always the answer, children should have autonomy, all that shit. At least Disney throws in an fight or a chase scene. All Totoro has to offer is soot sprites.

It invites tiers of snobbery

Oh, so you’ve seen My Neighbour Totoro? But have you sat through the Japanese dub while listening to the animator’s commentary? Have you read the manga? Are you taking your prodigies to the RSC’s stage production with dazzling puppetry? Bollocks to that. Watch Lilo & Stitch instead and be mindlessly entertained.