'I only went to the execution to be polite,' he says, coming back from Saudi with piss all

From the diary of Carrie Johnson, Britain’s First Lady

HE looked shaken, I’ll give him that. He’d cadged a fag off Special Branch and was smoking it in the garden. 

‘What’s this about?’ I said. ‘I thought it would be sports,’ he said. ‘I thought it would be some kind of, I don’t know, traditional Sunni sporting thing. Maybe with these falcons they’re all so bloody proud of.’

‘Instead,’ he continued, ‘they lead me to this arena and there’s three men kneeling down and, well, it turned out it wasn’t a sporting thing at all. Though it was very traditional and Sunni.’

Poor Big Dog. I lead him upstairs and make him a Bailey’s coffee. ‘And the oil?’ I prompt gently. After all, it’s hardly news that the Saudis like a bit of blood in their sand.

‘Completely forgot about it,’ he says, like a useless fucking dickhead. Well I – on the behalf of Rishi, whichever twat’s in energy, and the people of Britain – went bloody apeshit.

How do you forget fucking oil when you go to Saudi? All they’ve got’s oil. The only reason anyone lives in the arsing desert is the oil. It’s like going to the bar and forgetting to buy a fucking drink, which is another of the tight bastard’s tricks.

‘The beheadings threw me off,’ he said. ‘I only went along to be polite. You know what Arabs are like about hospitality. And, well, I couldn’t eat my partridge on the plane home. I’ve never seen anything like that, not even at Eton.’ 

‘And what are we going to do about keeping the lights on?’ I said. ‘Keeping cars running? All that shit that means another term in office, not out on our arses going cap-in-hand for after-dinner speaking cash?’ No answer. He hasn’t a clue.

I suppose on the bright side his newfound squeamishness will mean a definite no to Priti’s daily memos about bringing back the death penalty. Silver linings.

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Take in a Ukranian refugee? No thanks. Instead, I shall open my home to the cancelled

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist slightly to the right of Hitler

APPARENTLY 100,000 British do-gooders have offered their homes to Ukranians. Yeah, right. But it’s prompted me to step up and open my own home – to the cancelled. 

The Ukranians? No friends of mine. Where were they during our illegal lockdowns? Where were they when Donald Trump was unfairly ousted from social media? Where were they when Jeremy Corbyn threatened our very way of life?

Anyone taking in a Ukranian family – they’re as genuine as Sylvanian Families, and five times the price – is a fool who deserves everything they get. When you’re busted because of an illegal cigarette-smuggling ring being run from your garden office, you’ll see no tears from me.

But in a way I owe them thanks. Because they have opened my eyes to another great injustice being meted out to the powerless. Another cohort of the suffering the bleeding hearts would never stoop to offering help.

I speak, of course, of the cancelled. Those millions who dared to speak honestly on social media. Those who had the courage to stand against the liberal Guardianista dictatorship. Those who, like the tank man in Tiananmen Square, defied our woke overlords.

Their reward? To be stripped of their very livelihoods. Katie Hopkins, JK Rowling, Chrissy Teigen, John Cleese and so many others.

Where is the national outpouring of sympathy for their ruined lives? When will the BBC show heart-rending clips of their worlds being destroyed just as surely as if hit by an Iskander-M ballistic missile?

No, they are not mourned. The human cost meted out on Ellen DeGeneres, Chris Pratt, Doja Cat and Lizzo cannot be counted. Like Putin’s propagandists, the progressives pretend no damage was caused and anyway they deserved it.

Well, allow me to announce that there is one woman who will not turn away. Sia, Armie Hammer, Letitia Wright and Roseanne Barr: the doors of my Chigwell townhouse stand open. There is safe haven here.

And will I be claiming my £350 a month? Too right I will. Why should the right-on brigade get all the government cheddar?