Let Dame Judi be the judge: Should I start having a bottle of whiskey for breakfast?

Dame Judi Dench, award-winning actor and certified national treasure, answers your moral quandries.

Dear Dame Judi,

Let me start by saying I’m a very fit and healthy chap. I go to the gym three times a week and I always have my five fruit and veg a day, even if it means doing something embarrassing like eating a banana while watching a football match.

The other day I was enjoying a breakfast of porridge with whey protein and blueberries when I got a sudden urge to pour myself a big glass of Glenfiddich. I did, and it felt brilliant! I don’t really drink except on special occasions, but it got me thinking that maybe I should make breakfast an exception to my strict diet, and start having a whole bottle of whisky instead of my usual kale smoothie. 

I mean, what’s the point of all the weightlifting and macro-counting if I can’t enjoy myself? 

Please help. 

Robert, Hertfordshire

Dear Robert,

Lovely to hear from you, and thanks for outlining how healthy and toned you are. It certainly gave me something to think about while I was filming a disgusting kissing scene with an elderly gent earlier today. I’ve been on at my agent, but for whatever reason they refuse to cast me in a project that would really challenge me as an actor – that is, an unsimulated sex scene with Paul Mescal. Oh well.

Your problem is one of the toughest I’ve had to face during my tenure as an Agony Dame. On the one hand, whisky is lovely. On the other, you can’t really turn up pissed to work, even if you’re one of those modern types who fannies about at home instead of going into the office. 

Being drunk on the job is the kind of thing that despicable twat James Bond would do, and needless to say I have no patience with fucking arseholes like him.

My advice is to build up your tolerance over a number of months, ‘micro-dosing’ hard liquor over the course of a day until sinking a massive bottle of booze at 8am is nothing to you. Did you know that they do small bottles of alcohol now, specifically for this purpose? Whenever I’m in duty free I always pick up some miniatures so I can slug a few over a filming day. If anyone sees the bottles in the bin at work, just blame the make-up artist (or in your case, a colleague who sits nearby). They might get fired, but it’s for the greater good. 

Your strict regimen tells me you have the self-control and patience to make this really work for you. But if you ever need some moral support and the names of some cheap offies, I’ll DM you my phone number, email and home address. 

Love,

Dame Judi, CH, DBE

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

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Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

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Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

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Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Is there anything more egotistical than a father naming his son after himself? Better to give him a name that lets him be his own person, like Caesar or Ajax.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

If you’re under 18, appear old enough to get served in off-licences by referring to ‘Instantgram’ and your Lycos email.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Fellas – hold up a Waitrose frozen lobster on Tinder for a better class of shag.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It’s surprising how many people think aliens are real now. On a related note, do you want to own a lucky invisible pixie for just £499.95? Just email pixie@thedailymash.co.uk. Comes with a certificate of authenticity from the Pixie Council of Great Britain.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21nd

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Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Wherever you find yourself in life, drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is, ‘What can I snort off an escort’s tits in a Premier Inn?’

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, apart from your dad’s new girlfriend who’s from Cheshire and thinks she’s posh or something.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Life’s too short for petty feuds, so bury the hatchet with a relative you don’t see eye-to-eye with. Don’t bury the beef bayonet, that’s a different thing.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You share your star sign with Harvey Weinstein, Reinhard Heydrich and Kurt Cobain. Whichever path in life you choose, it’s not looking good, is it?