Idris Elba, actor, DJ and best James Bond that never was, answers your moral quandaries

Dear Idris,

I’ve recently become a father to a gorgeous little boy called Leo. No need to congratulate me – it wasn’t me who went through 30 hours of labour and an episiotomy, even though I kept telling my wife I’d happily change places if I could.

Anyway, Leo’s 12 weeks old and I’ve come up with an amazing idea to enhance my son’s life for the better. I’m going to get him cancelled on social media for voicing bold opinions that offended the woke media.

It’s a real boost to a career, and he’d be the youngest ever to do it. Imagine all the newspapers that would let him write columns and the attention he’d get. He could end up the first baby pundit on GB News.

I have the distinct feeling he’d thank me later, when he has the capacity to be grateful for all I’ve done for him. What do you think? Massive fan of Luther, by the way.

Tom Logan

Dear Tom,

You’ve certainly given me an intriguing puzzle. I not long ago finished recording my voice part for Sonic the Hedgehog 3, and I’ve worked with Jason Statham, so I know a little something about how undeveloped minds work.

Great idea getting your little one cancelled – it’s a shame he’s too young to get de-banked – but how are you going to go about it? Babies famously don’t express opinions outside ‘Breasts are great’ and ‘My arse needs wiping’, both of which are eminently sensible and hardly cancellable.

You could always do a weird kind of ventriloquism act on your baby, but you’d have to be fucking good. Getting ‘trans women are the devil’ and ‘migrants should be housed in burning chicken coops’ out without moving your lips and operating Leo’s mouth sounds like quite the challenge.

I’m also concerned nobody will believe a newborn like Leo has had time to think up these opinions on his own, and is just parroting yours. Kind of like where Farage says anything that Putin wants, but with the metaphorical hand up the arse far more visible.

Put a hold on your plan until he hits the terrible twos, when he’ll frequently be beet-red in the face and screamingly furious about not getting his own way no matter how unreasonable. Then he’ll walk right onto GB News or, as a failsafe, Talk TV.

Hope it goes well with your little tiny racist,

Idris