Let’s move to a Midlands town that's a byword for provincial shitness! This week: Wolverhampton

What’s it about?

A reasonably large Midlands city that bears the brunt of being the representative shithole for the whole region, even though it’s better than a fair few of them.

Before it became the post-industrial wasteland it is today, Wolverhampton was a traditional industrial wasteland. It may seem odd to be nostalgic for those soot-blackened days when life expectancy was 30 at best, but only if you don’t know Wolverhampton today.

Queen Victoria described it as a ‘large and dirty town’, a description Wulfrunians wear with pride. While calling themselves Wulfrunians which is clearly unacceptable, as is the accent.

Any good points?

There’s a new train station and soon Tory twat Robert Jenrick will open the office of the Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Community in the city, meaning civil servants will be forced to mingle with the kebab and wig hawkers on Broad Street.

Many famous faces have called Wolverhampton home – or ‘hum’, as the comical regional accent has it – including Noddy Holder and Robert Plant. Enoch ‘Rivers of Blood’ Powell was MP for Wolverhampton South West between 1950 and 1974, so it’s arguably the birthplace of modern British racism.

Wolves have managed to stay in the Premier League for an unexpectedly long time and no players have been embroiled in scandals like kicking cats or feeding poor children. The stadium’s just near the big ASDA, in case you’ve not heard the accent yet.

Wonderful landscape?

Close to the Shropshire hills where you can go on a lovely stroll up a hill and forget all about where you live. A walk up the famous Wrekin kills a Sunday afternoon.

If you’d rather stay closer to home, the classy suburb of Tettenhall is situated up a sandstone hill called The Rock, and in the summer has a paddling pool where bored teenagers get kicked out for splashing all the little kids.

Hang out at…

The city’s cultural hub is Bentley Bridge retail park with multiplex, bowling alley and an absolutely massive B&M Bargains. Engage with the youth of today by visiting the McDonald’s in the middle of the car park, which frequently hosts to impromptu fistfights between patrons as violent as they are disfigured by acne.

Late night? Get yourself to the crowning glory of Wolvo nightlife, The Planet Nightclub. The only reason to venture within the confines of the ring road after nightfall, Planet plays all the biggest emo hits of 2007 and is packed with goths and school lab technicians with piercings. Even has a stripper pole, for some reason.

Where to buy?

Enjoy the lively sound of police helicopters circling overhead? Pick yourself up a former council house in the area of Bushbury Hill, or the Scotlands Estate. Or fly-tipping fans love Wednesfield for its convenient countryside lay-bys.

If you have a nose for bargains, houses near the town’s sewage treatment centre are always available, and the smell is a great talking point on hot summer days. Imagine five neighbours with classic Wolverhampton accents discussing the overpowering stench of shit. How can you resist?

From the streets: 

Jordan Gardner, aged 19, said: “When I got glassed in a pub after a Wolves v West Brom match, the staff at New Cross Hospital couldn’t have been more helpful.”

Nikki Hollis, aged 40, said: “I notice that the big Sainsbury’s in town sells samosas, but the little Indian food shop in Whitmore Reans doesn’t sell Coronation chicken sandwiches. It’s reverse racism.”

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Mash Blind Date: Piers Morgan and the Meghan Markle he met and considered a friend, not the lying bitch she's become

IN 2016, Piers Morgan met Meghan Markle in the Scarsdale Tavern and they became friends. Then she changed. Can he rewrite history to make a better world? 

Piers on Meghan

First impression

Ravishing, looks even better than on Suits. A classic beauty. The way she hadn’t yet downplayed our one fleeting interaction really endeared her to me.

How was the conversation?

I was on top form telling all my best anecdotes: the one about Kate Moss making me look a dick, the one about being fired from the Mirror, the one about being friends with Donald Trump. I kept cutting her off whenever she tried to get a word in because she can’t outshine those. Women don’t mind. Susannah Reid couldn’t get enough of it.

Memorable moments?

I kept peppering the conversation with subtle digs at Prince Harry, which she’ll remember and go out with me instead. I might not have a castle but at least my uncle’s not a nonce.

Favourite thing about Meghan?

She’s a strong and assertive woman who isn’t afraid to speak her mind, which reminded me of me. I can’t see how anyone could ever find those characteristics repellent. I’m a charmer.

A capsule description?

A handsome television star dazzled his future wife with hours of witty repartee. No kissing.

Was there a spark?

I saw the spark flare in the depths of her warm brown eyes and she’s lying if she denies it afterwards. Or never, ever talks about this meeting again.

What happened afterwards?

Because I’m a gentleman, I paid the bill then took a cab home alone. Then sent Meghan a text at 2am which read ‘u up?’ Then had a sad wank.

What would you change about the evening?

Meghan would have reciprocated my burning lust for her, which is already starting to curdle into a loathing that will become the ruination of my career.

Will you see each other again?

I’m going to obsessively stalk her through my various media jobs and dedicate my life to her destruction. It’s what she deserves.

Meghan on Piers

First impression

I was confronted with a pasty-faced, dishevelled pigman in a suit who I was told I was dating. As an actress, I was able to hide my emotions at this.

How was the conversation?

He appears to believe he’s famous, and that his opinions are therefore notable. We covered how most accusations of racism are false and that vegan sausage rolls shouldn’t even be called sausage rolls. When I frowned in disagreement he stormed off to the toilet for a rage shit.

Memorable moments?

He kept bringing up Prince Harry, who I’ve always had a soft spot for, so I decided to answer that text and go to the party he’s meant to be at later. And to think, I might never have done that if not for Piers.

Favourite thing about Piers?

One day, like all living things, he too will die. I respect that.

A capsule description?

Woman endures an evening of terrible conversation with man with visible boner. No kisses, no matter how many times he leaned in waiting.

Was there a spark?

Only in his warped, self-obsessed mind. I’d rather go on a second date with the chair I was sitting on. It had solid lumbar support.

What happened afterwards?

I met Prince Harry. We instantly hit it off for a night of whirlwind romance, contempt for Piers Morgan, and fantastic sex.

What would you change about the evening?

The date was atrocious but meeting Prince Harry and coming twelve times was good. So on balance, nothing. Which I know Piers will take as a tragic win.

Will you see each other again?

No. I don’t watch ITV or read your tabloid newspapers. Outside those he doesn’t exist.