Let's move to where the welcome is as warm as the weather. This week: Cardiff

What’s it about?

Wales’ capital is a magnet for party people. Packed with pubs and nightclubs, the city at the foot of the valleys combines cheap drinks with the very low bar of not being in England.

Visitors sometimes ask if there is a different currency, and the answer is yes: the currency of violence. Whether there’s a game of international rugby or just the usual aggro in clubs, visitors are almost guaranteed to see a scrap. Croeso i Gaerdydd! (That’s Welsh for ‘Welcome to Cardiff’. No one will ever say that.)

Any good points?

Cardiff has beautiful public gardens, with green lawns and abundant flora. This is because it’s the wettest city in the UK, which makes walking around gardens very unpleasant. The city’s botanicals are best viewed through the condensation in the window of a bus going elsewhere.

There’s a buoyant media industry in the Welsh capital, and you can frequently watch the filming of Doctor Who or one of its spin-offs. Which, depending on whether you are in your 40s and live with your parents, may or may not be a selling point.

Wonderful landscapes?

The view from the top of the castle is stunning. Visitors can see across the city and out over the Bristol Channel. And from the top terraces of the Principality (formerly Millennium) Stadium you can just see Europe. They’re doing a reunion tour and it’s safer to get tickets for that than the football.

Hang out at…

Cardiff’s suburban pubs with equally flat roofs, beer and noses. Go for the sense of adventure, stay because it’s pissing with rain outside, again.

St Mary Street is the centre of the nightlife. It’s like the Vegas strip, if the casinos were chain pubs and the restaurants were chain pubs. For those still standing at the end of the evening, ‘Chippy Alley’ is where you can get chips. But does anything good ever happen in an alley?

There are things to do in the daytime, too. Roath Park has a lighthouse in the lake. You know, one of those things that warns you not to go there. And outside the city there’s a genuine medieval village not too far away. It’s called Swansea.

Where to buy?

Splott. It’s a real place. You’ll be laughing at that for weeks if you’re easily amused. But it’s cheap.

For the la-di-da homebuyer there are suburbs like Llandaff, Penarth and Radyr. A good rule of thumb is the further away you get from Cardiff, the more expensive.

From the streets:

Ryan Whittaker, aged 40: “Cardiff is definitely a cultural hub now. Some people call it The Paris of Wales, although that’s because of all the dog shit.”

Lucy Parry, aged 23: “I love living in Cardiff. Mainly because it’s not Swansea.”

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Impotence: Are you both secretly pleased? The Mash sex columnist writes

Erections aren’t all that, says the Mash’s middle-aged sex columnist, Jen Prentice

IMPOTENCE can be devastating for both partners in a long-term relationship. But could it also be a massive fucking relief and time to crack open a bottle and celebrate?

I spoke to couples dealing with impotence, and this is what they said. And I didn’t make them up, honest. A totally unqualified media ‘sexpert’ would never do that.

A limp dick in the hand is worth not waxing your bush 

If you know your partner’s got nothing but soggy spaghetti down there, there’s no need to go to the effort of strimming your pubes or lathering up your nether regions ‘just in case’. 

As Instagram quotes from Buddhist monks tell us, happiness is all about making the most of what you have. In this case you can climb into bed safe in the knowledge there’s nothing awaiting you besides farts and unjust duvet-yanking. Bliss.

No worries about sex

You get a break not only from sex but also from worrying about how long it’s been since you last did it. As one woman who definitely wasn’t me said: ‘I used to squeeze my lockdown back fat into a lacy bra. But thanks to Derek going ‘flaccid flamingo’, I can enjoy something that never disappoints me in bed, such as eating cold leftover pasta from the pan.’

No awkward conversations

Don’t put your man through the embarrassment of talking about it in a mature and sensible way. Also you might accidentally achieve a new level of emotional intimacy and solve the problem. 

‘Emma’, whose partner ‘Steve’ is half a man, said: ‘I find it’s best never to mention it. Steve doesn’t even enjoy a hilarious impotence-related quip about Mr Softy ice cream. Weirdo.’

Enjoy other indulgences

Your man’s limp doofer leaves you both free to indulge in other ways. For a start, you never have to put the stops on how much you drink. With no chance of him getting it up anyway, you can both really go for it down the pub, and make the most of the weather with a bottle or two of disappointing rose at supper. 

Another woman who is real said: ‘There’s no need to hold back on food either. Tonight I’m having extra garlic sauce for my tiger prawns because there’s nothing for my post-Deliveroo paunch to get in the way of.’

There’s always Ryan Gosling

You can do other sex stuff, but having sex without a boner is like making a pie without shop-bought pastry – you can get out all the apparatus and make your own but it’s a massive faff. Easiest just to watch The Gray Man again. Ryan Gosling will never disappoint.