Mash Blind Date: a couple who have clearly been dating for ages but lied to get free food

CAN Charlotte, aged 29, find a future with Josh, aged 28? Or, as our waiters suspect, have they actually been a couple for years and are gaming the system? 

Charlotte on Josh

First impression?

Handsome! Yeah. Sort of, though he could make more effort, but I’m pleasantly surprised. With the emphasis on ‘surprised’.

How was conversation? 

Kind of stilted at first – we don’t know much about each other because we’ve never met before, not even once, so we were asking lots of really obvious questions like ‘What does your dad do?’ and ‘Do you like the colour yellow?’

Memorable moments?

The house black daal was absolutely amazing. We always wondered how they justified the exorbitant cost when we walked past, but I have to say, fully worth it.

Favourite thing about Josh? 

Seems like a really nice guy, good sense of humour, long-term I imagine that would wear off and you’d just wish he’d fucking shut up rather than launch on a comic riff about vegans.

A capsule description? 

Genuinely incredible food.

Was there a spark? 

Yeah! Course! We’ll probably go off together afterwards, laughing happily like we’ve got away with something!

What happened afterwards? 

We went back to his place but nothing happened, we were both too full.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would have tried the vada pau.

Will you see each other again?  

You know, I think we might?

Josh on Charlotte 

First impression?

Really lovely, really gorgeous, absolute stunner in fact. Definitely someone I can see myself in a five-year relationship with.

How was conversation? 

Like Charl said, we knew nothing about each other so the questions were très basic. At one point I asked ‘Have you got a brother-in-law who’s a twat with a Tesla?’ and you’ll never believe it, she had! Total shot in the dark.

Memorable moments?

That mutton pepper fry. Completely amazing. I told her it would be worth it.

Favourite thing about Charlotte? 

She’s a great sport who’ll go along with my crazy ideas because they pay off big time. And an impressively solid actor.

A capsule description? 

A delicious occasion. And meeting Charl for the first time added so much savour added to the meal. I bet we’ll gloat about it for years to come.

Was there a spark? 

Yeah, why not? Don’t be surprised if you see us together around town sometime.

What happened afterwards? 

We headed off together, talking first in conspiratorial low tones then bursting into laughter once we’d made it far enough from the restaurant not to be overheard.

What would you change about the evening? 

Perhaps we were a little too obvious about it. If I could go back, I wouldn’t make a big show of correctly guessing Charlotte’s birthday in front of the manager.

Will you see each other again?  

I’d say there’s a 100 per cent chance. In fact I’m taking her back to my place right away. Who’s that by the car? Fuck, it’s the waiter from before. Why does he have a gun?

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Amazing that from one series of Big Brother we got radio DJs Kate Lawler and Adele Roberts, and Alison Hammond. Shows that celebrities really are any twat off the street.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Bet you always choose the dog when you play Monopoly. Or failing that, the hat. Wait, you’re not a battleship wanker, are you?

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

“Could the owners of white Audi Q4s please return to the car park to bond with each other about your penile inadequacies. Thank you very much.”

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Skip Vegas and get a quickie wedding done at a motorway service station’s mini casino.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Heidi Klum dressed up as a peacock for Halloween. Not the shit brown female kind though.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

‘And this is our games room,’ says your host, before opening the door to a small, dank room under the stairs where former platinum-selling rapper The Game now lives.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Your MOT is due. Probably didn’t think the stars would know that but Venus isn’t swinging into opposition with Neptune for the good of its f**king health.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

You can visit Dobby’s Grave in Pembrokeshire. And if you’re that kind of person, might as well jizz on it while you’re there.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

What does Sunak think is going to turn up to change the Tories’ fortunes? The discovery of enormous untapped whisky and blowjob reserves under Wiltshire?

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

James Watt claimed to have invented the steam engine while watching a kettle boil. But a watched kettle never boils, so this is another Scots lie.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Fucked up that everyone now has a box of Halloween decorations in the loft next to the Christmas ones.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You should never put the horse before the cart except in the word ‘carthorse’, which admittedly confuses things a little.