subscribe
/ Sign Out

Mash Blind Date: a woman who's only after casual sex and a man who is too but thinks she shouldn't be

JORA, aged 26, is looking for no-strings casual one-night sex. So is Tom, aged 28, who firmly believes that’s not what women should want. Will they hook up? 

Jora on Tom

First impression?

Clean, attractive, sending out some pretty sexy vibes. Dressed to get naked. I’m down.

How was conversation? 

I explained I’m not really out for a relationship, that we’ll see where this leads, that we should focus on the now and not weigh it down with the future. Normally that goes down pretty well. He seemed piqued.

Memorable moments?

When I took his hands and gave him heavy eye contact, leaning over to show cleavage, and he removed my hands and asked the waitress for an ice water.

Favourite thing about Tom? 

He’s hot. And up for it, or seemed to be until my anecdote about doing a guy on the roof of the O2.

A capsule description? 

Attractive man takes umbrage for unknown reasons and turns into Victorian dad. Seriously, he used the phrase ‘a run on your stock on the sexual marketplace’.

Was there a spark? 

A whole shower of sparks until a whole bucket of fire retardant was upended onto it.

What happened afterwards? 

He escorted me to the taxi rank and said he wished he could heal my wounds. I suggested he just come back to mine instead, but he just looked down and shook his head slowly, disbelievingly.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would have had sex.

Will you see each other again?  

What would be the fucking point? He’d probably insist I bring a chaperone.

Tom on Jora

First impression?

Absolutely gorgeous, and dressed to show it. This girl is getting it tonight. She’ll be putty in my player’s hands.

How was conversation? 

Great. She was responding to all my non-verbal signalling and letting the chat drift into dangerous areas. The trick to seduction is to slip it through before they’ve realised it’s happening, and to acknowledge with a mock-rueful smile when it’s already too late.

Memorable moments?

But what I do not like is this whole ‘not down for a relationship’ thing. Like okay, I think you stole my moves? The dance of allure isn’t just slamming into each other. She was coming on way too strong. What, I’m just going to fuck her because she’s into it? What about what I want?

Favourite thing about Jora? 

She’s very attractive, but where’s her moral backbone? How many men has she waved through like it’s nothing? On the roof of the O2, of all places?

A capsule description? 

A beautiful girl who’s clearly got issues or she wouldn’t have so little respect for herself. I was overwhelmed with protectiveness, and pity.

Was there a spark? 

I wish there hadn’t been. It only made the twist of the knife more painful.

What happened afterwards? 

She said she’d get an Uber, but I’m sorry to say I didn’t trust her. I took her to a taxi and paid the driver. She made some footling suggestion I ‘come back to hers’ but that was not happening. Not tonight. Not, sadly, ever.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would have dated a woman who wants what real women want – a relationship, marriage, children. Then I would have fucked her and ghosted her.

Will you see each other again?  

It would break my heart to. You know what? If she hadn’t got such a low opinion of herself, she could have been the one.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Sexual fetishes ranked by their gag-inducing grossness

WHEN you’re sharing your sexual fantasies with your lover, everything open, no judgement, you instinctively know: not that one. 

There’s always at least one fetish that you’re only revealing to Google in an incognito window, even though it’s a normal part of being a fucked-up mess of a human being who shouldn’t be getting off to that but is anyway.

How high does your nasty little secret rank in the annals of sexual grossness?

Impact play

Spanking, flogging, whipping, paddling, thwacking your husband in the face with a live haddock; anything goes when it comes to impact play. Fifty Shades has made this kind of fetish boringly mainstream. Still difficult explaining the stripes on your arse when you’re in the pool for your five-year-old’s swimming lesson, though.

Feet

A bit of toe sucking, or indeed fucking, is vanilla in the grand scheme of fetishes. And it’s not a bad one to be on the receiving end of as you’ll get bought shoes and can put your feet up on your boyfriend’s dick while watching Homes Under The Hammer. Watch out for him in flip-flop season, however, the filthy beast.

Spectrophilia

Or banging ghosts, as it’s not more commonly known. If your girlfriend’s into this you may not give a shit. Who cares if she claims she’s getting teabagged by Thomas Cromwell? Perhaps ask her to invite a few hot phantasmal friends around for an ectoplasmic orgy? At least it’s not necrophilia: the undead are far more palatable fuckbuddies than the dead.

Agalmatophilia

A genuine fetish, which makes museum visits complicated and means you find your girlfriend alone in National Trust properties after sundown, down by the fountains, enjoying coitus with The Right Honorable Earl Howe, 1726-1799. Though anyone who’s seen Michaelangelo’s David will be aware that godlike men can be disappointing in the dick department.

Piss play

Who’s washing the sheets in households where this goes on? Who’s mopping the bathroom floor? Does the odour not linger? Then again, anyone with pets has likely coped with worse and didn’t get an orgasm out of it. Brave enough to admit this is your thing? Expect relationships to be curtailed early.

Insects

Yeah. They’re hot for someone. Next time your boyfriend offers to help get a spider out of the bathroom, watch his crotch for arousal. If he suggests inviting ants into the bedroom or pops a cockroach in his butt crack during foreplay, decide whether you’re up for this. And decide no.

Adult baby

This is a whole truckload of unpleasantness to bring to a relationship. Bad enough he’s doing the baby thing, but inevitably he’s filling his nappy and the rational response is ‘fuck that’. Even if he’s the actual Brad Pitt, sucking on a dummy and shitting his pants in a $40m Los Feliz house, fuck that.

No fetishes whatsoever

The most suspicious fetish of all is a complete absence of declared fetishes. If your partner claims they have no kinks to share, what are they hiding? It must be so repulsive and twisted that it cannot even be spoken of.

Next story ›