Aries, March 21st–April 19th
We’ve lost the connection with where our food comes from. Children should be made to visit the Pringles factory and hand-fill the tubes.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Learning a Scottish politician’s name is like getting a Scottish banknote in your change. It doesn’t happen much, you wish it happened less and it usually leads to an argument with a taxi driver.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
You fancy a new piercing. How about piercing your neighbour who won’t stop playing Ed Sheeran through the sternum with a halberd?
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Free toasties for anyone who reads this horoscope and calls the number 555-000-3355 within the next five minutes.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Avoid the embarrassment of your teenage email address by changing your name to datpussyluva69.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
S-Club 7 had to reunite, they were touring in smaller and smaller units. S-Club .75 were playing Butlins in March and S-Club Three-Eighths were booked on oil rigs.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Greggs have released a seasonal Ennui Bake capturing the feeling of late winter in Britain. It has a grey, cold filling and lasts for days and days and days. £1.99.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Fair play to Banksy, that’s a cracking cock and balls he’s done round the back of the rec centre.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
You’ve got a better bum than that Kim Kardashian. Or you assume you do. It’s behind you so you’ve never had the opportunity to check.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
It’s time for the British judicidal system to join the 21st century. Let’s replace judges’ outdated horsehair wigs with ones that look like Phil Foden’s haircut.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
You’re excellent at Tetris but terrible at sex, because genitals aren’t regular right-angled shapes.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
You shouldn’t stare at pile-ups on the opposite side of the motorway. You should respectfully close your eyes.
