Mash Blind Date: 'Being stood up went better than 90 per cent of my dates'

IS it wrong for a 34-year-old career woman to find more fulfilment in the vacant space where her date should be than if he was present? 

Mary on being stood up

First impression

Weary disappointment that my date texted ten minutes late to say ‘sory cant make it’, followed by rising elation when I realised I wouldn’t have to pretend some dick off the internet had interesting opinions or could tell jokes. I could just relax instead.

How was the conversation?

Incredible, best I’ve ever had on a first date. I ordered my food then ate in blissful, comfortable silence. Didn’t have to share a bottle of wine. Would recommend.

Memorable moments?

My bill got paid by the restaurant who took pity on me, failing to notice I was having an amazing evening. Just when I thought it couldn’t go any better. I left a massive tip.

Favourite thing about being stood up?

The lack of pressure. The lack of wondering if he likes me. The lack of worrying if he’s going to kiss me. The overall lack of everything was just top notch. Being stood up was the relationship I’d always dreamed of.

A capsule description?

Funny, attractive woman eats alone in a fancy restaurant and realises that it’s way better than any available man.

Was there a spark?

Yes, when I realised I could order the sticky toffee pudding without sharing it.

What happened afterwards?

I went home, changed into my pyjamas, opened a second a bottle of Merlot and scrolled Instagram for two hours before treating myself to a wank.

What would you change about the evening?

Nothing, the date was perfect from start to finish. I’m even glad I shaved my legs.

Will you see each other again?

I’d honestly be disappointed to go on a date where the guy actually turns up. I’ve set too high a bar.

Being stood up on Mary

First impression

A dazzling, confident woman who likes a laugh and prefers the complete absence of a man to a man. Which suits me.

How was the conversation?

Not existing, I’m kind of a silent type, which she loved.

Memorable moments?

How delighted she looked when she realised she wouldn’t have to be on for the evening. I don’t think most men have ever seen a woman so happy.

Favourite thing about Mary?

Her ease in my company. Her willingness to accept me for who I’m not, ie anything at all.

A capsule description?

A mix of nitrogen, oxygen, carbon dioxide and trace noble gases opposite a woman who’s enjoying the best date she’s been on in her life.

Was there a spark?

Mary was really into my complete lack of substance. If I were sentient that might damage my self-esteem.

What happened afterwards?

I dispersed into the surrounding atmosphere. Part of me drifted round the corner to the kebab shop, while the rest of me floated up into the ceiling fans.

What would you change about the evening?

Nothing. Existing would have ruined it.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

All this really drives home that Charles isn’t even going to manage a Silver Jubilee, doesn’t it? Poor prick will be lucky to make Tin.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Bunting is probably the rudest sounding way to say little flags. ‘Bunting.’ Your mum says it instead of swearing.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

In Event Of Emergency, Don’t Stand Here Reading This Fucking Sign.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings. There are angels with as many as 24 sets of wings because of the number of takeaways you order.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Frozen peas have all the nutrients of fresh ones, plus you can kill a bird with them.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Realistically the queen will only go platinum once. But Master P has gone platinum six times, so who should really be on the back of the twenty quid note?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

In the next Terminator movie he’s just settled down. Met a nice biker dude, they run a classic car garage, the two of them sit holding hands in a swing on the Monterey coast.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Sunset are beautiful, but does it really have to take all fucking day to get to one?

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Cats start with nine lives, but can get more by collecting 100 coins.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

You’re just doing it for the ‘gram. But in your case the ‘doing it’ is being spitroasted, and the ‘gram’ is a small amount of heavily stepped-on cocaine.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

James Bond reads the letter and his eyes narrow to angry slits. ‘You have contracted a sexually transmitted infection. You have a duty to inform all partners of the last 12 months.’

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You’re such a boring boyfriend you’d give Taylor Swift writers’ block.