Millie, who works in a shit job for wankers, meets Christian, who is rightly terrified.
Millie on Christian
First impression?
Bit inexperienced. He hadn’t had pre-drinks and commented that I seemed ‘unsteady’, which isn’t very gentlemanly. I had to explain I’m out for a piss-up and a fuck.
How was conversation?
Initially we focused on what a boring bastard he was, and did he think he was better than me sitting there judging me, and how I’ve had loads better than him and he was like shit on my shoe. But after that he warmed up.
Memorable moments?
He helped get the fork out of the back of my hand after I accidentally got it wedged in there. But he can’t chug a whole bottle of wine so I don’t know what twat brought him up.
Favourite thing about Christian?
He responds really well to constructive criticism. After our initial awkwardness he was completely smashed.
A capsule description?
Tall, male, maybe Irish? I’m not great with faces when I’ve had a few.
Was there a spark?
He made a woman out of me, to quote the Heart song. Which means that he fucked me good and proper against a toilet wall.
What happened afterwards?
I blacked out at that point. But it wasn’t his I woke up at.
What would you change about the evening?
I like to think I could have drunk more. If I had, I would have won that fight with that bitch.
Will you see each other again?
I’m not really a planner. I live in the moment, spontaneously, floating like a leaf in the wind. Also I doubt I’d recognise the fucker.
Christian on Millie
First impression?
She was absolutely shitfaced. Like staggering shitfaced. We’d only set up the date at lunchtime but somehow she’d managed to squeeze in a three-day bender.
How was conversation?
Slurred. She seems very bigoted but I couldn’t make out who against. She told me she’d fuck me as the bread arrived, though, which I found refreshing.
Memorable moments?
She took a bottle of Rioja from a stranger’s table and poured it in her soup. But did then finish the soup.
Favourite thing about Millie?
I’d have to say her open-door sexual policy. And I was really impressed she managed to get back from the loo on her own.
A capsule description?
Pissed, belligerent, slutty. Repeats herself a lot.
Was there a spark?
We had full penetrative sex.
What happened afterwards?
We went on for a bar, I bought her a drink, she went out for a cigarette and never came back. The police came in asking about her and I feigned ignorance.
What would you change about the evening?
I would not go to a restaurant where they know me.
Will you see each other again?
No. But it’s now no longer been 22 months since I had a shag.
