Mash Blind Date: 'He made a woman out of me, like the Heart song, up against a toilet wall'

Millie, who works in a shit job for wankers, meets Christian, who is rightly terrified. 

Millie on Christian

First impression? 

Bit inexperienced. He hadn’t had pre-drinks and commented that I seemed ‘unsteady’, which isn’t very gentlemanly. I had to explain I’m out for a piss-up and a fuck.

How was conversation? 

Initially we focused on what a boring bastard he was, and did he think he was better than me sitting there judging me, and how I’ve had loads better than him and he was like shit on my shoe. But after that he warmed up.

Memorable moments? 

He helped get the fork out of the back of my hand after I accidentally got it wedged in there. But he can’t chug a whole bottle of wine so I don’t know what twat brought him up.

Favourite thing about Christian? 

He responds really well to constructive criticism. After our initial awkwardness he was completely smashed.

A capsule description? 

Tall, male, maybe Irish? I’m not great with faces when I’ve had a few.

Was there a spark? 

He made a woman out of me, to quote the Heart song. Which means that he fucked me good and proper against a toilet wall.

What happened afterwards? 

I blacked out at that point. But it wasn’t his I woke up at.

What would you change about the evening? 

I like to think I could have drunk more. If I had, I would have won that fight with that bitch.

Will you see each other again?  

I’m not really a planner. I live in the moment, spontaneously, floating like a leaf in the wind. Also I doubt I’d recognise the fucker.

Christian on Millie

First impression?

She was absolutely shitfaced. Like staggering shitfaced. We’d only set up the date at lunchtime but somehow she’d managed to squeeze in a three-day bender.

How was conversation? 

Slurred. She seems very bigoted but I couldn’t make out who against. She told me she’d fuck me as the bread arrived, though, which I found refreshing.

Memorable moments?

She took a bottle of Rioja from a stranger’s table and poured it in her soup. But did then finish the soup.

Favourite thing about Millie? 

I’d have to say her open-door sexual policy. And I was really impressed she managed to get back from the loo on her own.

A capsule description? 

Pissed, belligerent, slutty. Repeats herself a lot.

Was there a spark? 

We had full penetrative sex.

What happened afterwards? 

We went on for a bar, I bought her a drink, she went out for a cigarette and never came back. The police came in asking about her and I feigned ignorance.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would not go to a restaurant where they know me.

Will you see each other again?  

No. But it’s now no longer been 22 months since I had a shag.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (March 21st – April 19th)

The ex-girlfriends who you’re sending daily pictures of your Wordle to have asked if you can go back to sending daily pictures of your cock.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

When you’re out metal detecting and find a large stash of rusted, buried metal detectors next to a pile of human bones, you put two and two together juuust too late.

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)

Footage of you strutting around the office with your flies open will become immortalised as a gif. It will be your only notable legacy on this celestial plane.

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

Tomorrow will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. Shit, it’s the Slenderman.

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

You were hoovering wearing a loose-fitting dressing gown and you fell on the Shard. That’s how it got up there.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

Amateur pornography is never amateur enough for you. They always seem to know where the dick is.

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

On Thursday you begin your job as a swimming teacher and reason that the phrases ‘in at the deep end’ and ‘sink or swim’ don’t come from nowhere, though the police disagree.

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)

You’re one of the people who saw the potential and bought into bitcoin back in 2013. Unfortunately that means you spent what would now be £64,500 on an eighth of weed.

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)

This week you make the sensible decision to hang a dreamcatcher from the rear-view mirror of your 36-tonne truck. That way you won’t have nightmares when you doze off on the M6.

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)

Today everything is about you just like it always is. Why not have some empathy and read what’s in store for Pisces or Virgo occasionally, you self-centred piece of shit?

Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)

You cannot believe that, in this golden age of television and Marvel movies and so much going on in the world, there are sad twats out there who can tell the difference between trees.

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

Your sign has been acquired by Aries in a hostile merger. Yes, there will be redundancies.