Mash Blind Date: 'I could tell she was aroused by my knowledge of Star Trek minutiae'

TO boldly go… on a date with a real-life human woman. We sent Star Trek obsessive Martin Bishop out with Lauren Hewitt who thinks Darth Vader is in it.

Martin on Lauren

First impression?

Lauren’s no Seven of Nine – or indeed Alice Eve, who played the alternative reality Carol Marcus for a single film – but she’s of acceptable weight and has breasts, so I could see us watching Voyager together before enjoying a session of penetrative sex.

How was conversation?

Fascinating. I kicked off with a detailed analysis of the pros and cons of JJ Abrams’ helmsmanship of the franchise, with perceptive asides about what the Kelvin timeline could learn from Next Generation and, to a lesser extent, Picard. I could tell by her fidgeting that she was becoming sexually aroused by my masterful grasp of Trek canon.

Memorable moments?

Lauren said she liked Ewan McGregor and I realised she thought Obi-Wan Kenobi was in Star Trek! She’d got the two science-fiction franchises completely muddled up! I laughed hysterically but to be honest I was deeply shaken by evidence she was mentally dysfunctional, proving my friend Clive’s theories about women correct.

Favourite thing about Lauren?

She’s an actual 3D human woman who exceeds my expectations for someone to do sexual intercourse with. And she’s not transsexual. I asked her.

A capsule description?

Lauren is female, not disfigured and woefully ill-informed about Star Trek. And indeed Star Wars, the Terminator films, Doctor Who, Blake’s Seven, the list goes on. The only hobby she mentioned is ‘running’ which is merely a form of motion and doesn’t count.

Was there a spark?

Definitely. Lauren spent most of the evening staring at me with her jaw hanging open seductively.

What happened afterwards?

I asked Lauren back to mine for a romantic evening watching the classic original series two-parter The Menagerie in which Kirk’s predecessor Pike is horribly burned and confined to a brainwave-controlled wheelchair. But she had to get up for work at 4am. That’s a really early start for an office.

What would you change about the evening?

Don’t get me wrong, Lauren is a wonderful person, but she’s embarrassingly ignorant. Still, I’m sure I can correct this character flaw when we’re going out. I envisage a series of tutorials on topics such as the Klingon-Romulan Alliance, Borg weapons technology and, for light relief, continuity errors.

Will you see each other again?

Of course. It’s just a matter of when Lauren’s ovarian cycle reaches a convenient point. But Saturdays are out because that’s the only night the crew can meet for a six-hour Star Trek: Frontiers tabletop gaming session.

Lauren on Martin

First impression?

I assumed Martin’s NHS glasses and USS Enterprise t-shirt were some hipster thing, which was bad enough, but then he turned out to be a bona fide geek. And, furthermore, an absolute twat.

How was conversation?

It alternated between the merely boring and the totally fucking incomprehensible. I know who Captain Kirk was, but who the fucking hell is Gorn? Or Q? Or Vina? And what is a ‘batleth’? Does he think people know this shit?

Memorable moments?

I think when he asked me if I ‘do all the sex positions’. I’ve met forward blokes who like trying to get a reaction, but Martin didn’t seem to be joking. In fact he wrote my answer down in a little notebook. Oh, and when each course arrived he said to it ‘You will be assimilated’ in a robotic voice. I think that was a Star Trek thing. By this time I knew better than to ask.

Favourite thing about Martin?

How wonderful he’ll make dating from now on. I reckon it’ll be a good six to 10 dates before the sheer novelty of sitting facing a man with even minimal social skills wears off. I wouldn’t be surprised if I fall in love.

A capsule description?

Star Trek’s a load of fucking shit. That’s not strictly a description, but it feels so good to say it.

Was there a spark?

No spark. The kindest thing I can say about Martin is he knows what he likes, and it’s not real and never will be.

What happened afterwards?

Martin seemed to think I’d be going back to his place. I made up some bullshit and we said goodbye. Or rather Martin said: ‘Goodbye, my little Borg Queen’. That’s not a thing and never will be.

What would you change about the evening?


Will you see each other again?

Absolutely not. He gave me his email address – [email protected] – and I deleted it in the taxi.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

So it’s Godzilla vs Kong, Godzilla vs Godzooky, Godzilla vs Bennifer, Godzilla vs the Brazil 1970 World Cup squad, Godzilla vs Alien vs Batman vs Predator vs Superman then Godzilla vs Gonorrhea?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You get more bang for your buck, as the exchange rate between male deer and Semtex continues to work in your favour.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

One guard always lies, the other always tells the truth. It’s a fucked-up way of managing door policy at Tiger Tiger, but it is what it is.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

No pain? No gain. No gain? No train. No train? No Spain. Basically, you need to get yourself fit or you’ll miss a perfectly lovely overland rail holiday in the Sierra de Villuercas.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You enjoy the longest nine minutes of your life this week, as you show a friend an absolutely hilarious YouTube video and they do not at any point laugh.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Listening to Bruce Springsteen, you idly wonder how many of his songs would never have happened if couples fucking in cars in New Jersey had used contraception then realise the answer is ‘all of them’.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If the most special thing Japan can think of to call itself is the Land of the Rising Sun, a phenomenon common to every country on earth, it must be a right load of shit.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

To think – if you really piss someone off today you might end up with a starring role in a hit true crime podcast.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

It’s better to have loved and lost than have never been a billionaire oligarch with a massive fucking yacht at all.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

All that Pixar technology wasted on films for kids when it could absolutely revolutionise pornography. Your imagination is the only limit and it’s ethical.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

According to astrologers the Age of Aquarius began in 2020. Not going great so far, is it? That’s on you.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Have any of these overcritical twats actually tried to sit on a fence? It’s bloody painful.