Mash Blind Date: 'She's so great. I can't wait to introduce her to my other girlfriends'

CAN Oliver O’Connor, aged 34, who’s very proud of his open relationship, find magic with 29-year-old Jo Kramer who had no idea that was his deal? 

Oliver on Jo

First impression?

Reminds me a little of Sandra, who left my polycule in 2021, a little of Ruth who left late last year and a little of India who I’m seeing Wednesday. So definitely my type.

How was conversation? 

Incredibly she’s never dated a man in an open relationship before, even though polygamy is the hot trend in love lives right now, so I was happy to explain how it works to her. And that girl is definitely polycurious!

Memorable moments?

She was asking so many questions about my other girlfriends I eventually handed over my phone so she could swipe through for herself. And she had it for ages! Hey, I’m still here!

Favourite thing about Jo? 

I think she’d fit in perfectly on Thursday nights, kind of a warm-up-for-the-weekend vibe. Which I told her and she was flattered. Also India would definitely want a three-way with her. I told her that too.

A capsule description? 

Maybe my ambition’s getting ahead of my dick, but I want another girlfriend and Jo’s it! Arrgh!

Was there a spark? 

Oh, without a doubt. Her eyes were alive with the excitement of it all night.

What happened afterwards? 

Jo had a pressing engagement and I had to go back to Ronia for the night because, as I explained, I wasn’t about to neglect her just because a new chick had danced into my life and swept me away. Jo was very understanding.

What would you change about the evening? 

Perhaps I should have brought India with me, but paying for cocktails for three? Ouch!

Will you see each other again?  

We certainly will. I’ve emailed her the rota and asked her to fit herself in.

Jo on Oliver

First impression?

How do I put this? Good-looking, but not as good-looking as he thinks he is? Exuding a sexual confidence that seems unearned? With a shit moustache?

How was conversation? 

One-sided. Because he’s in an open relationship and did not linger for one moment to ask if I was comfortable with that, instead filling me in at great length about all his shags. Like, by name and preferred position.

Memorable moments?

I got sick of the bragging and said ‘let’s see these girlfriends then’ and he handed over his phone. Yeah. Why do girls in open relationships always look like that?

Favourite thing about Oliver? 

It’s great he was so candid, otherwise I might have considered I was on a real date for longer than the first sip of the first drink.

A capsule description? 

Like dating a Channel 5 documentary.

Was there a spark? 

Fuck no. He’s a walking dick pic. Ready-lubed.

What happened afterwards? 

I lied and he was off to see his original girlfriend, who was the one who looked most miserable in the photos. Took some photos of him though. The girls will want to see them. Frankly I’ll be telling this story for years.

What would you change about the evening? 

Honestly nothing. I got a free dinner and a freakshow. That’s a night out.

Will you see each other again?  

Absolutely fucking not. Though I am going to write ‘Spunkmaster’s Day Off’ and ‘Get 70,000 mile service for cock+balls’ all over his Google calendar.

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Your astrological week ahead for March 2nd, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts and you’ve got the only key? That can’t be right.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

If you’re going to do a half marathon, definitely do the first half. The second half is knackering.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

‘Yeah well at least I didn’t spend four billion dollars buying Star Wars and then fuck up the franchise irreparably!’ you shout, in an argument about household budgeting.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You always hoped they might get back together, but you’ve accepted it’s over and resigned yourself to throwing out your Rough Guide to Yugoslavia.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

It’s a sex bike. Like a quad bike, but with two extra wheels.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Pretend you’re in the Red Arrows by running around your living room spraying a can of Febreze behind your back.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Poor Bianca Censori didn’t know what she was getting into with Kanye West. After all they got together in 2022, when he’d only been fully off his tits on his own power for 12 years.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Shake what your mama gave you? What, stress-induced psoriasis?

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Sometimes you wonder if you’ll ever have the opportunity, while fighting a big goon, to jam a bucket over his head causing him to wander around confused asking ‘who turned out the lights?’

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Infidelity in the 21st century is telling a man how much you enjoyed another man’s podcast.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

The worst tarot card you can pull is ‘Go To Jail. Go Directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect £200.’

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Want to feel old? Why? What the fuck’s wrong with you?