Mash Blind Date: 'We got blackout shitfaced. There's sick on my jeans'

15th June 2022

WILL drinking heavily to dispel their social anxiety lead to love for Hannah and Alex? Or to a three-day hangover and memory gaps?

Hannah on Alex

First impression?

I get nervous on dates so I was getting a little Dutch courage at the bar to follow up on pre-drinks and didn’t get a close look at him. I mean he was there but I was distracted. Has a beard?

How was conversation?

Stilted until we’d sunk a bottle of red between us. We turned out to be totally on the same page about alcohol as a vital social lubricant. By the end of the second bottle we were best mates, and by the third we were having a vicious argument about whether Carol Vorderman could take Rachel Riley in a fight.

Memorable moments?

It’s more the lack of. I remember rolling around in grass, and at some point we were thrown out of somewhere. At one stage – perhaps on a railway line? – one of us was very sick on Alex’s jeans.

Favourite thing about Alex?

He’s very enabling. We did talk about ourselves but it’s all a blur if I’m honest. Could be a chef?

A capsule description?

We cleared £300 on drink and I can’t remember anything.

Was there a spark?

I really fancied him for about 20 minutes after my espresso martini, but it was probably just the caffeine and sugar cutting through the booze for a moment. I’m still not sure what he looks like.

What happened afterwards?

I woke up this morning with Alex in my bed and his ruined trousers in the bath. It’s surpassingly unlikely anything could possibly have happened.

What would you change about the evening?

Literally everything after the pre-drinks.

Will you see each other again?

I think it’s best for both of us if this never happened.

Alex on Hannah

First impression?

She seemed as nervous as me, which I vibed with, until I realised that booze isn’t just a conversational crutch for one of us.

How was conversation?

Early on, because I get emotional on stout, I remember crying as I described in tortuous detail the break up of my last relationship. But later on it seemed it was news to her so maybe that didn’t happen.

Memorable moments?

I’ve no recollection of what happened to my trousers. But I don’t carry spares. Putting them on to leave the next day is an experience I won’t forget.

Favourite thing about Hannah?

I like that she distracted her flatmate while I snuck out the front door, and her clearly expressed desire we don’t see each other ever again.

A capsule description?

It’ll make a good anecdote when I’ve got over the shame.

Was there a spark?

There’s certainly something compelling about watching a woman shout ‘Vorderman is NAILS, mate!’ at a bouncer as she gets turfed out of a gastropub, but I’m not sure if it constitutes anything you could build on.

What happened afterwards?

I don’t remember anything after pissing on the railway line.

What would you change about the evening?

When she said ‘Shall we get another bottle?’ I would say ‘No fucking chance’.

Will you see each other again?

Even if we do, we’ve agreed not to.

If I was Paul Chuckle for a day… with Tom Cruise

14th June 2022

EVERY week, we ask a celebrity to imagine how they would live life as Paul Chuckle, aged 74, of Rotherham. Top Gun star Tom Cruise has a go:

What’s your morning routine as Paul Chuckle?

I would go at being Paul Chuckle as hard as I possibly can. The guy’s a Northern England comedian, right? Moustachioed? I can grow that moustache in an hour if I concentrate. Real, not CGI. Then I’d go downstairs and through a serious of hilarious misunderstandings eat 18 guava halves.

Plans for lunch?

Before Chucklevision there were the Chuckle Hounds. Same brothers but in dog suits, slapstick action, synthesiser soundtrack. 1980s. Nostalgia gold. We bring that back. I’m Paul Chuckle, Simon Pegg’s Barry Chuckle, we do a $200m standalone sequel that brings in $800 million. No dialogue. Huge in international markets.

How would you spend your afternoon?

Paul Chuckle meets students now, you got that? He meets students. The UK’s nothing. I can meet all the students in a single afternoon, every damn one, just meeting and being genuine and humbled and grateful and Hollywood’s last true star, the real thing, Paul Chuckle. Then I do the routine where I borrow a fiver with 330,000 of them.

And for the evening?

Huge on social media. Making TikTok happen. Nine million people around the globe simultaneously doing ‘To me – to you’. Pantomime. Cologne commercials. A brokered marriage. Running a window-cleaning business with my brother. Comedy ensues with a ladder. I do the stunts myself and break both legs.

Final ruminations on your day?

I’ll never be as Paul Chuckle as Paul Chuckle. Maybe I don’t have what it takes to be Paul Chuckle. This is like Jack goddamn Reacher all over again. Why did the shorter one have to die? I need you to sign this NDA.