Mash Blind Date: 'We'd stalked each other online so much we had f**k all to talk about'

CRAVING romantic adventure, Jo Kramer and Oliver O’Connor completely fucked it up by doing too much online research beforehand. How did meeting IRL disappoint? 

Jo on Oliver

First impression?

He’s gained weight and lost hair. Having looked through the 587 photos from his holiday to Ibiza in 2015 on his disused Flickr account, I was expecting a young, fit, bronzed hunk rather than this pasty lump.

How was conversation?

Boring. He started telling me about his career but I already had his full employment history from LinkedIn and, given he rowed for his college at Cambridge, I was already primed to think he was a bit of a dick.

Memorable moments?

He was pretty freaked out when he said he was an advertising account executive and I said I knew for a fact he was an advertising account assistant executive. Again, LinkedIn.

Favourite thing about Oliver?

I enjoyed it when he slagged off his ex because I’d found her a picture of her online via his best mate’s girlfriend’s Insta and she’s really beautiful, the bitch. But it did expose him as a jealous liar.

A capsule description?

A pleasant enough bloke. Or, if I’m basing this off his posts to football forums, a borderline racist with a mental age of approximately 14.

Was there a spark?

No. I was already annoyed with him for having a Pinterest full of pictures of his car so passion was never going to bloom. It’s not even a good car.

What happened afterwards?

He didn’t mention me coming back to his, which is good because, given that I’d seen the disgusting state of his flat in the background of his Twitch streams, I was never going to set foot in the place.

What would you change about the evening?

I wouldn’t have spent three hours attempting to find his MySpace page. That was a waste of time. Have you been on there lately? It’s a nightmare.

Will you see each other again?

No. He’s obviously going to end up like his dad, and I don’t want to be yoked to that for the rest of my life. His mother’s Facebook posts are miserable.

Oliver on Jo

First impression

I’m not going to lie, I was disappointed. She looks amazing in all her selfies, as if she’s taken loads and chosen the very best one, whereas I had to put up with the slightly messy moment-to-moment reality like when she got a blob of mayo on her chin.

How was conversation?

She’s not as funny as she is on TikTok videos. Apparently she plans those for ages, almost writes them like a sketch, and records a couple of takes. Live, I had to just sit there and wait while she thought up stuff to say in real time. Bit dull.

Memorable moments?

She pulled me up for talking up my job title, so I got her back by telling her I thought her mum was foxy. She was horrified. Then it turned out her mum had been using a photo from 2013 and I looked like a pervert.

Favourite thing about Jo?

She had zero problem with me checking my phone every 30 seconds. She was doing the same.

A capsule description?

Looks fit in photos, but unfortunately has a personality in real life.

Was there a spark?

Before we met, yeah, but it was extinguished the second I saw her without a filter.

What happened afterwards?

I went home and looked up her mate Nikki, who Jo said has an OnlyFans and does sex stuff on a webcam. Well worth the subscription fee.

What would you change about the evening?

I wouldn’t have bothered. She was much more attractive when I was only presented with her edited highlights. Meanwhile I’m if anything more charming in person.

Will you see each other again?

Only in the sense that I won’t unfollow her on Instagram because there’s a photo of her in a bikini that I’ve grown quite attached to.

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