Mash Blind Date: will Donald Trump and his lawyer trying to shut him the f**k up find their happy place?

CAN Donald Trump and his own lawyer, who is desperately trying to stop him committing further crimes while on trial for crimes, meet in body and soul? 

Trump on his lawyer

First impression?

This is a beautiful place, beautiful restaurant. I own it. It’s worth £228 million, the most valuable restaurant in the entire country, and it’s actually built above a working diamond mine so twice that.

How was conversation? 

The judge is crooked. He’s taking bribes from Hunter Biden, and his daughter is a prostitute in DC. I saw her name myself on an escort website, and that’s illegal because she’s underage. I have nude photos of her on my phone.

Memorable moments?

Let me say now to the jurors, the American people will find out where you live. And they are angry, righteously angry, and they are armed. They have guns like you would not believe and they will come for you.

Favourite thing about your lawyer? 

The legal scholars, every single one of them in this country, the absolute top-tier because I insist on the best, every one of them say this is a witch-hunt. And if I am convicted this country will be torn apart.

A capsule description? 

I used to golf with, great guy, he’s dead now, John Gotti. We did so many business deals together and he had a wonderful way of disappearing people. Just disappeared. Gone. And he was never prosecuted and until his last day was a free man because if they disappear there’s no crime.

Was there a spark? 

Those secrets were mine because I’m the president, I still am the president, because I won the election and Mar-a-Lago is the White House. I sold those secrets all over – to Israel, to North Korea, to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Every time I sold them the price went up.

What happened afterwards? 

China. I also sold them to China. We have to do business with China because they’re very smart, they don’t have elections so they can’t be rigged. When I’m elected, and I don’t say if because it will happen, I have 99 per cent support, I’ll abolish elections.

What would you change about the evening? 

You know what they say? ‘Trump was right about everything.’ That’s what you hear from the experts. I paid that hush money but marked it as campaign contributions because I’m smart.

Will you see each other again?  

When I’m elected I’ll pardon myself, and it will be a rolling pardon, and it will last forever. You can do that because it’s in the constitution. Lincoln himself put it in there.

Trump’s lawyer on Trump

First impression?

You don’t own the restaurant. Stop saying you own the restaurant. If they find out you own the restuarant they can seize it and sell it. And it’s not worth a tenth of that.

How was conversation? 

Jesus fucking Christ, shut up! You can’t say that! You just violated a gag order and admitted downloading illegal pornography! It’s not even true!

Memorable moments?

Fuck. Fuck, you just threatened to kill the jury. Oh God I could lose my licence just for defending you.

Favourite thing about Trump? 

…was that last thing he said not actually illegal? Then that. That’s the highlight so far.

A capsule description? 

Did he just admit social contact with the head of the Mafia? And being an accessory to first-degree murder?  Also Gotti famously died in prison, though why I’m fact-checking at this point I do not know.

Was there a spark? 

Not the classified documents! Shut up! Shut up about them! That isn’t even my fucking case but shut up about them!

What happened afterwards? 

Lose my licence? Jesus, I’m going to jail right alongside this shithead. I’m going to Rikers to be a lifer’s bitch.

What would you change about the evening? 

Did you… just admit to the crime I’m trying to clear you of? In clear, unambiguous terms?

Will you see each other again?  

A presidential pardon. That’s my only hope. That he’ll issue a blanket pardon that also covers his legal team. Christ, who am I kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m here.

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Your astrological week ahead for April 13th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Your inner child is speaking to you. It’s saying: ‘Grow up.’

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Ant and Dec aren’t actually from Newcastle. They’re putting it on. Ant is Jamaican, and Dec is mute.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Yes, you’re addicted to prescription drugs, but at least you’ve got a hobby.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Women say men can’t multitask but they obviously haven’t seen their partners put £10 on Mo Salah to be first goalscorer whilst sat taking a shit.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

What’s so good about four cheeses? Five would be ridiculous, three too little. Who the f**k decided this?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Incy wincy spider climbed up the waterspout. Down came the rain and completely ruined his men’s retro perm.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

As a woke objector you are dreading your children asking what you did in the culture war.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21nd

Don’t think you can buy half-price Easter eggs now and enjoy them next year. The f**kers have put a special chemical in them to make sure they expire by January.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

What happened to the companies that supplied gunge for all those kids’ TV shows? Do they now supply gunge elsewhere? Have they found another product?

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Let’s have a threesome with our Alexa.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Spice up your relationship by shouting out ‘F**k me, that’s a big spider’ at extremely inopportune moments.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Do Italian people honestly expect us to believe that they think in that accent?