Oust Rishi, install Kemi, abolish all laws and deport 17 million: how the Tories can still win

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who knows for a fact Angela Rayner killed a war veteran in a hit-and-run

HOPE is not lost. Action can be taken. A hapless, sodden so-called leader and his homeopathic Conservatism ousted, and a victory won.  

Ten simple, easy, obvious steps the electorate is yearning for, and the UK will be safely back under the umbrella of glorious Conservative rule. This is how to do it.

One. Oust Rishi. Get those letters in, kick his bitch Borrower ass to the kerb, deselect him. The heroic Kemi Badenoch is now the Conservative leader and her instincts are in perfect alignment with the British people: she hates. She hates all bloody day.

Two. Cut inheritance tax. Easily the most popular move it’s possible to make, cheered by everyone from market stallholder to giants of finance, yet Sunak wouldn’t do it? Why?

Three. Deport by quota. Set it at a fair quarter of the population, 16.75 million, and start rounding them up. Anyone who can’t trace their heritage back six generations, doesn’t own property or is offensively regional. It’s not our problem where they go to.

Four. Get Boris back. Give him the safest seat in the country. Tell him he can’t be prime minister but he can do whatever he wants. Let him caper around Britain impregnating at will, like a priapic Puck. Watch the polls soar.

Five. Abolish all corporate tax and all corporate laws. Businesses aren’t people and shouldn’t be treated like them. Let’s see the EU beat that offer.

Six. Acronym smashing time: abolish the BBC, the NHS and the LGBTQ. Don’t worry about what replaces them. As David Attenborough said in Jurassic Park, the market finds a way.

Seven. Make Reform UK illegal. Not Labour – that won’t be necessary, after this – but you can’t run a party to the right of the Tories, it’s not fair. Let the most extreme join up.

Eight. Youth curfew. If you’re under 30, you’re no longer allowed on the streets. If you are you can be legally hunted, like a reverse Logan’s Run. Come out when you’re sensible.

Nine. Bring back the death penalty. Doesn’t matter what for, keep it vague, but begin with Prince Harry. The last final holdouts against a Tory landslide are won over.

Ten. Romp home. Reflect on how easy it’s been. All that was required was to be sensible.

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What is death and should you be worried about it?

CONCERNED about all of the reports of death in the news? Worried that it may affect you too? Learn all about the terminal life condition with this guide.

What is death?

The opposite of being alive. Your body stops processing and interacting with the world around you and starts to decompose. That means no more Marvel films, Netflix binges or late-night McDonald’s runs. On the plus side though it also means you never have to go to your in-laws again or worry about your mortgage going up. So it’s not all bad.

Sounds scary. What causes it?

Pretty much anything. Wars and disease are some obvious causes of fatalities, but you could even die by eating too fast or slipping over in the shower. It happens at any time too and without any warning, so you could be about to die right now and you’d have no idea. You have zero control over it though so there’s no point fretting about it. Let nature take its course.

Who does it affect?

Everyone. Young or old, rich or poor, good or evil, everyone is going to die in the end, including you. This means your entire family and that fit person you see on your commute will die one day, but so will that boss who put you on a performance improvement plan and Kelly who dumped you for your best friend in year eight. It all balances out.

Surely it’s preventable?

Not at the minute. You can fend off death much better these days thanks to medical advances, but no matter what you do your body will eventually get too old and give up. And that’s if you’re lucky. Although by the time you reach your 90s you’ll be begging to expire anyway and death will seem like a sweet release from your decrepit husk.

Should everyone start worrying about it?

There’s no point, really. It’s inevitable. You might as well be shitting yourself about the sun coming up or the tide coming in. Besides, the eternal void of death can be a good incentive to get off your arse, ask out that person you fancy and go on that dream holiday you’ve always been thinking of. Or stay in bed and doomscroll, whichever you prefer.

What happens after death?

Depends who you ask. Some people think there’s a chance you ascend to a higher plane of eternal bliss if you’ve been good, while others are convinced that you come back to life as a goose or a daffodil. Scientists on the other hand are pretty confident nothing happens. From your point of view it’s kind of like what life was like before you were born but for the rest of time. So look forward to that.